Knowing nothing….
Sorrow makes us all children again….
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yesterday, I judged applicants seeking a place on the college debate team. All of them risked a memory of failure and gave of themselves in earnest to become better as scholars, speakers and friends of their own success. And I was tasked with deciding which of these students, all of whom I admire and unavoidably care for, would be asked to sit out their desire.
I don’t agree that learning through failure is a required part of any student’s curriculum. They are not employees, they are children orphaned to astonishment, passion and fear. They begin their short orbits in a new life surrounded by teachers–who can, with a single touch or softly spoken word, change their paths forever. Sometimes.
I can remember hundreds of my students; I can tell you where many of them sat in classrooms that may no longer even exist. I can tell you how lightly or heavily my pen fell upon names on the final grade report and why I judged them as I did…
I remember most, those students who replenished my love for teaching when I had lost the courage to further their goals or provoke a hint of change. Tonight, I am at an intersection of rage and bewilderment because one of those precious few chose to fall away from us so fast that no one could react in time to catch her.
A thespian, scholar, and delightful master of the ascerbic, she was one of the original founders and ideas makers for the Blog of Dreams. She was accepted to study in America, but denied a visa because of the immigration status problems inherent in acceptance to the Disney Internship Program where she spent a summer. She was subsequently denied a visa to attend Cornell, but kept her suitcase packed with dreams of travel and learning. I don’t know what changed or what could have tempted her to change her plans.
Dear Defiant Chennie,
I am a child again tonight. I want so much to believe that I misunderstood the news of your death. I want to wish your awkward avalanches of laughter back to invoke the best in me again. I want you to give us all another chance to raise your inner landscape high enough to break your fall.
Your teacher knows nothing, but this: You are now without passports, beyond borders And I hope you are on to some new opportunity, guided now by accomplished, and enduring angels.
.
Posted 21 March, 2008 in Macau University of Science and Technology, Chinese Education, 澳门科技大学, Chennie Xue, Heartsongs, 中国, Asian Women, Teaching in China, China Photos, Uncategorized
17 comments to “Knowing nothing….”
Frances, March 22nd, 2008 at 12:40 am:
-
I think we could never grow strong enough to face the loss of our beloved.
Charisette, March 22nd, 2008 at 3:51 am:
-
This is gut-wrenching…
Such a beautiful young lady…May she’s safe and happy in heaven!
stuart, March 22nd, 2008 at 4:19 am:
-
I found this sad story via The Hao Hao Report. Chennie Xue is a name and a person unknown to me, but it is clear that this world is poorer for losing her.
The Professor, March 22nd, 2008 at 7:33 am:
-
Thanks for the comment…she was one of the few bright lights in the dark educational setting where we met.
I just visited your blog…Nice work…I have added you to the blogroll…
Sorry about your arm….BTW: I don’t see the Dreamblogue on your blogroll
http://blogofdreams.comBest,
L
The Professor, March 22nd, 2008 at 7:35 am:
-
Thanks for stopping by Ms Li…And thanks for your comments…
She was beautiful and will forever be in my memory…
Ryan, March 22nd, 2008 at 9:00 am:
-
Tragic news Lon, I’m sorry to hear it.
The relationship between a teacher and a student is a difficult one to describe. Not family, not friends, not strangers… something all unto itself. It’s a precious and wonderful thing and I can’t imagine losing a student in any way, especially not like this.
SandyCarbery, March 22nd, 2008 at 1:37 pm:
-
I’m so sorry Lonnie. She was beautiful and lovely.
Sandy
flotsam, March 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 pm:
-
Another sad loss.
In my experience no matter how well we think we get to know them, there are often secrets which we know nothing of until something unexpected occurs and then it is usually too late to either say or do anything.
Chinese students are often under considerable pressure from parents, family and other places, and for all sorts of reasons, and occasionally something snaps. I’m sorry to say I’ve known a number of losses, one per academic year.
The Professor, March 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 pm:
-
There was 5 deaths by suicide in GZ in on week two years ago…Two were from my school…This is, according to professors, “suicide season”when students feel the pressure of not locating jobs and so on…Terrible….
Jennie Greenfield, March 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 am:
-
Hello,
My name is jennie and i was a very very close friend of chennies on the disney college program. this is an extreme shock to me considering she never said anything about being that unhappy. I live in america (georgia) and cant find any news/details so if anyone knows anything about what happened, i would really like to know.
Pink, March 23rd, 2008 at 9:04 am:
-
Hey,Lonnie. Thank you for your msg. I’m better now…
This was a terrible thing. She is a good person. She cares about her friends and takes care of others. All of us will miss her and remember her forever.
The Professor, March 23rd, 2008 at 3:12 pm:
-
Thanks Pink…It is still baffling and unreal to me…I cannot imagine what you guys are feeling there at the school.
Yes, she was amazing wasn’t she?
Steve, March 26th, 2008 at 3:20 am:
-
I had the pleasure of working with Chennie for a few months at Disneyworld. She was a kind and gentle soul whose smile would light up the faces of many. We are so very sad to hear of such a great loss. Her endearing laugh and contaigous smile will live on in those she touched.
Our deepest sympathy is with her family and friends.
Steve
marilyn, March 26th, 2008 at 7:36 pm:
-
she will be missed here in america. she was a beautiful young lady. my condolences and prayers to all who knew and loved her.
Tom, April 1st, 2008 at 11:32 am:
-
Chennie used to consider me her “American Father”. I met her in America during her Disney College and International Program. I can tell you that we shared many hugs, tears, and life stories. Even though I was twice her age, I loved her as I had never met any one quite like her. But, I settled on being her Amercian Father and that was good enough for me.
She was so bright. We went to the Dali museum and she took notes that the tour guide delivered and as she and I went around and tried to interpret what the artist was saying. She made me laugh as she did imitations of co-workers and people she knew back home. I tried very hard to get her an educational extension for her Visa. She wanted to be, and as far as I was concerned she was, an American. I told her she was more American than some Americans as we discussed politics and who we would vote for. We both knew that she had signed that contract that would not let her apply to return to the US again for another three years. She knew she would be turned down, but we tried.
Cutting a long story short, when she was leaving she gave me a keychain with the letter “C” on it. She was worried I would forget her. She also gave me a beautiful mug with a dragon on it. I was born the year of the dragon and told her I love the way they look.
I loved hugging her and will miss that the most.
When she returned to China we IM as often as we could. I can only suspect why she took her own life. If some one know differently, please correct me…
If my take on this story is correct, then it must be said, and the students who made her upset must live and be judged by what they did. She had written me one night and was not clear on what she was saying. After putting things together from what she was IM me (she did not use a mic or cam because she felt she could not think fast enough in English) she was very upset because she was not able to contribute to a speech debate that was delivered. She was part of a team and felt that she had let them down because she could not perform. She told me that this was the first time this ever happened to her and she felt she was being judged harshly by the team. She felt that someone was spreading horrible rumors about her and she felt that this person or person(s) from her team were doing things behind her back to hurt her. We finally settled on the word “back stabbing”. This is where people spread rumors as fact, and smile in your face as though they know nothing about who is spreading the rumors.
She seemed to settle down after our IM conversation. I was helping her with her taxes and tried many times after that to get a hold of her. I was disturbed when I noticed that her picture vanished from her IM profile page. I just had a gut feeling that these people had gotten to her and that it may have been too much.
I agree with this comment “parents, family and other places, and for all sorts of reasons, and occasionally something snaps.” If I am right about the situation, then this person is on target with that comment. Since I am thousands of miles away, I have no idea whether my take on this story is correct of if she left a note behind.
Unless there is something I don’t know, she greatly loved her Mother. I know they had their rough times, but Mothers and daughters go through those stages. So, I am hoping that her Mother is not blaming herself as I can tell you she raised a most wonderful young lady, especially without the help of her father. I can also tell you that she loved her Grandfather beyond belief as well.
Chennie, I laughed like crazy when I asked you who you admired. You said Alan Greenspan! I thought you would say Brad Pitt or someone like that. and that is why I put Greenspans picture on my profile and you told me you loved it. I told you that you were a gorgeous model and that you should continue doing it and that you were near me because I put your picture on my desktop.
My sweet Chennie, why did you think I would forget you? I did not need a keychain or mug to remember you. You left a mark on my heart as you had done so many others.
Your American Father loves you, your Mother and Grandfather love you, and we WILL NEVER forget you….
It chokes my heart to know that you will be 20 forever and that I will continue to grow old without you…
DD, April 2nd, 2008 at 10:08 am:
-
Thanks for some of the insights. I am sorry for your loss.
It has come to my attention as well that Chennie asked for help from the school hospital and the school counselor and was turned away from both places. This is a tragedy that could have been prevented.
Peace…
L
Tom, April 3rd, 2008 at 1:32 am:
-
I did not know about her seeking help. My only comment is that if there have been five suicides in the last few years at two schools, why have they not changed the system so that they don’t continue to lose their young students? Is it that important to push China ahead that student competition or failure to meet a goal will cause so much stress that suicide is the only option? These kids are not at the end of their road, they are at the beginning.
I don’t know when she committed suicide or how. Did she leave a note behind? I am assuming her funeral has come and gone? Does she have a tombstone? I have huge gaps in the story because her mother speaks very little English and of course is upset by the loss. I also do not know the implications in Chinese culture about suicide. I know I am having a difficult time dealing with my Christianity right now.
L. do you have any more information? Sorry to ramble, but you can see that we had a special relationship. I’d rather email you as I hate this blog thing…