How How Report… (3)
It is generally not my policy to hype off-topic businesses on Onemanbandwidth, but I made an exception in this case.
Ryan McLaughlin of Lost Laowai, Hao Hao Report, Dao by Design and dozens of other sites has reached back to his Canadian roots and come up with what could be a real gem of an online biz.
Following you will find excerpts from what you will soon find at Ryan McLaughlin.us. It is a refreshing change from most “Friend Finder” type sites:
BAG A CANUCK!
Have you dreamed of making love to a Canadian Guy, Aye?
Stop DREAMING and make that fantasy come true!
How to Bag a Canuck” is a 75 page e-book that tells you everything you need to find, attract and seduce a wild bacon bender from the 51st state:
- Where to find enchanting and eligible guys in wool caps in your neighborhood The names of the top ten cities in Canada and China where you are liable to meet dudes with snowshoes, eh?
- How to convince one, without illegal substances, in any country to become your personal Mountie!
- How to dress down to impress
- How to earn his admiration without looking like you are trying too hard and without having to sleep with his friends
- How to get to know him as well as the back of your snowmobile BEFORE you even think of asking him out
- How to write and compose the perfect online dating profile or letter so that he starts chasing you and not the moose in his garden
- What gifts to give him right down to the kinds of cheese and macaroni he would appreciate most
- What you need to know about her culture so that she not only accepts you as a lover but grows to share his sausages
- The Do’s and Don’ts of interracial dating and most…like not fighting over the last bag of pork rinds
- How to talk about the Canadian (ha) Military:
It doesn’t matter if the caribou lover you are longing for is a twenty year old “dog sledder” from Montreal or a 45-year-old six-time divorced business expat from mainland China. Our step-by-step guide for a first date works every time on every Canuck for every culture (and it is not the type of advice you will find in any other book!) Other books will simply give you a long list of suggestions for “creative” ideas for dates. We will tell you why the first date is no time to use your imagination! We will take you step-by-step through the entire First Date Ritual from shaving your nose hairs to how to bait a salmon rig.
In fact, this book asks you to forget everything you think you know about impressing a guy with ear flaps. We ask you to forget your creativity (which just looks like blundering around to a Canuck) and all of your preconceptions (which just looks like racism) by revealing:
- The one most important quality that Canadian guys revere in a partner: body heat
- The all-time worst thing you can do to turn him off in your initial email or communication: insult his dog
- The one physical gesture that will inspire him to have complete confidence in you: OK, now stand back up….
- Why your sense of humor may not seem so charming to him. How to avoid old jokes like What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? Answer: The taste
Nobody understands snow fever better than the author who knows exactly how unbearable unrequited desire can be! The symptoms include anxiety, restlessness, a preoccupation with Nanook, Sgt. Preston and a longing to tussle between the sheets with a guy wearing walrus boots.
HOW TO DATE A NORTHER (Bag a Canuck) shows you how to understand each and every type of ice grinder – from the mildest to wildest and how they have learned to manipulate those stereotypes to drive you crazy with lust!
Although these men seem mysterious and complex, we will tell you the simple secrets (some of them based on ancient wisdom from his culture like how to make wine in a garbage bag) that will tame these proud beasties and have them eating out of your hand—not that its so unusual, but…. Much of it will surprise you! This book gets right into the psychological blubber of how to seduce him including the most important-
- G (Goose) Spot!
- How to honor every single part of his body from beaver pelt to wool socks including his hair, his neck, his eyes, his hairy, bejeweled lips, his breasts, his muzzle loader, his arms, his legs etc. and capture his love, devotion and sexual lack of imagination forever.
Nowhere, not in a bookstore, on the Internet or anywhere in Ontario will you find a book on how to seduce and bag a backwoodsman as thoroughly, safely (like jumpin’nekked over a bear trap) and psychologically intriguing as this one!
Knowing everything about him, from parka to pup tent, is one of the secrets to unleashing the passionate potential that you just know is lurking inside the Canuck that you meet in every day life — that mild-mannered Canadian that you see working as a Oral (he he) English Teacher or that gorgeous guy sleeping on the park bench. Or perhaps you simply catch a glimpse of a photograph online that simply makes you hold your breath (and maybe something else!)
Stop jerking around and get real about taking the steps necessary to find the hoser of your dreams! We will feel confident about saying that because we know that is exactly what you are doing rather than grasping the fact that a future with a real flesh and blood socialist is completely possible. Keep in mind too that this book was written by someone who understands you and why you may be so much at the mercy of these gorgeous creatures that you can’t seem to find the nerve to take those all important first steps towards promoting yourself as the lunker of his dreams!
- Do Canadians seem mysterious to you? Unattainable or even too good for you?
- Do you surf for wildlife anime as a substitute for a real sexual experience?
- Do Canadians constantly blow you right off when you try to approach them?
There is just no reason to go on single when you can learn to tell jokes like this:
Cold enough, aye?:
0 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won’t start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen’s freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying “Cold enough for ya? ”
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup
You will learn the most important Canadian Holidays:
12-> Lawyers Day
11-> Start of Christmas Season Day
10-> False Labour Day
9-> Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
8-> Hallmark Card Day
7-> Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6-> Cretienmas or Gomery Inquiry Day
5-> Deadbeat Father’s Day
4-> Bad Hair Day
3-> Doris Day
2-> St. Hooter’s Day
1-> Hash Wednesday
You will learn the subtle differences in speech that will arouse your mate.
You will hear the intonations that make Black pepper, white pepper and toilette pepper unique.
As someone who loves guys from the territories, women you know that they sexually supreme beings who are just as fierce and erotic as the characters you see in Call of the Wild, Norbet Does saskatecewan Sasketchuan, sacatchyouone, Ontario, the silver screen, Northwest Outpost, and Classics illustrated comic books. ..
This book also teaches you the secrets of coming onto him without appearing like a player or a racist including advice on:
- Common Canuck customs : You won’t actually have to light your farts, but it helps to know the customs…
- How to get him to see you as a movie star like Jeanette McDonald…
- How to win the approval of her family: bring Lablatts and act as though you “get” the commercials when they air…
Stop dreaming and make it a reality.
Download coming soon!
Posted 31 March, 2008 in april fools joke, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, 中国, 中文, China Expat, Ryan Mclaughlin, Asian Dating Site, 中原, Internet Dating, Just Plain Strange, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Weird China, China Photos, Expats, China web 2.0
Doing Business in China (4)
Doing Business in China Guide
Part 1
(whew!)
This is our latest series on doing business in China. In these posts, our advice will correspond to the thirty-six strategies designed by the ancient and great Song general and strategist Tan Daoji–that is, we predicate all this advice on never using the 36 strategies as a way to do business in China. We have bookshelves stacked full of expensive kindling labeled “how to do business in China” that we will later use to heat our house.
The first listed strategy is “Deceiving the Heavens to Cross the Sea,” or man tian guo hai(And no, it’s not a reference to a sea-going Dali clique). While the strategy typically involves deception and refers to an advisor who got the Emperor of the Tang Dynasty so drunk and engaged in feasting for three days that the ruler had no idea he was on a boat–akin to the Beijing guides who accompanied press on yesterday’s “Meet the Lamas” broadcast.
Instead of learning to deceive the heavens, your best bet to getting introduced to China is learning some Chinese. Among our billions of dollars of unread books, unopened CDs, and untouched lessons, here are some tools we actually used to learn the language and culture of China:
The Rosetta Stone: though sometimes maligned for its interface, we give props to the English-free interface of the program and its integration of reading of and listening to Chinese characters from the beginning.
FSI language courses: a full and free year’s worth of free Chinese language instruction. This is the stuff the diplomats used to use and despite that it is hands down a great free tool for helping people learn to pronounce and listen to standard Chinese.
Chinesepod: Have a random question about Chinese? Allergic to parsley? Unsure about a specific word for sports? Head for Chinesepod. With a vibrant community of online learners, free daily podcasts, and a great selection of different tools like flashcards and online lesson reviews, Chinesepod’s collective of learners deserves its rock-star status on the net.
Lost Laowai: As always, well crafted by Ryan; Canadian accent comes free of charge, aye.
Berlitz: The only “learn Chinese in 30 minutes!” that actually works.
The next step is to get some culture (God knows we could use a lot more):
Lost Laowai, offers up real-life experiences of expats in China. We are hoping for the reality show to displace “swin in China.”
The HaoHao Report, everyman’s aggregator with Digg-like China focused features.
Panda Passport: Everything about China cyberspace you wanted to know but were afraid you’d get busted for on an IP violation.
RConversation, the most harmonious blend of blogging and citizen journalism on the web.
CDT, all the news from China blocked in China.
ESWN, a blog that brings together news from the East and the West–not the best in its class, but rather a species by itself.
Global Voices: China. The World is Listening. Are you?
China Herald, all the news that fit for bandwidth.
Cal Poly MBA Trip, a blog from the MBA Program with no ballast to throw overboard.
Thomas Crampton, former correspondent for the International Hong Kong International Herald Tribune, Mr. Crampton shares on-the-ground and insider info about the latest web innovations and websphere happenings in Hong Kong and greater China.
Imagethief, named for his photography habits and not for any actual Interpol related activity, is the creator of such marvels as the Stupidvator. a blog to lightens the cargo of the China blogosphere.
China Rises: Journalist and great story teller Robert Johnson: The only chief corresponsdent in China with hand-written instructions and a GPS reporter locator given by Central Government for any coverage of Tibet the Olympics.
China Blog List: a comprehensive guide to the many blogs passing us in the night.
The Opposite End of China: Life’s a Riot, and this blog reports on it. Veteran journalist Manning is as good as it gets and still chooses to farm tomatoes along the silk road.
More to come…