Happy Earth Day From China (0)
chinaPosted 22 April, 2008 in In the news, Environment, 中国, cartoons, China Cartoons, China Humor, Asia, Humor
Useful (or not) Idiot Awards… (0)
There used to be a British radio show that called people and and tastelessly handed out the “Richard Cranium” award to folks nominated by co-workers or employees You can’t imagine how many people fell for the ruse and were thrilled to get such an honor. Well, I am going to be more transparent: I am going to get Ryan at Dao by Design to make me a snazzy award for an intermittent “Useful Idiot” award. In the interim you can visualize your own trophy.
Today’s dubious honors go to:
New Zealand’s Stuff news online. One the eve of an historic free trade agreement and a visit by NZ leader Helen Clark, with China that will abolish tariffs for NZ exporters Stuff has genius advice–archived stuff from the Cultural Revolution–for Kiwis looking to do biz in China in an article titled, Business in China Will Never be Easy:
*Choose your local partners, go-betweens, staff and translators carefully. The Chinese notion of relationship is complex. Do it well and reap the reward, get it wrong and you are almost bound to fail.
*Have plenty of cash, suppliers in China do not give credit to newcomers but expect it from you.
*Be prepared for a frustrating time with Chinese banks, they are bureaucratic and inefficient.
*Make sure contracts are clear and the English version is compatible with the Chinese.
*Get a good lawyer, there is every chance you will need one.
Early in the article they talked about economies bleeding red ink in some sad warfare metaphor just as the NZ chief spoke of a 5% increase in imports to China over the last year as NZ is now China’s 4th largest trade partner. Then there was the horrible failure of Dunkin’ Donuts in China (in 2000!!) that somehow missed that they are back and planning 100 shops in the next ten years. I have it on good authority–Marc–that DD in Shanghai is doing well. And Marc’s consumption alone could finance the operation of a small store.
The section on the recent failure of Lionsbridge Breweries (2003!) is also a wiener. The company–promise not to laugh–spent $170,000,000USD on a joint beer making venture to create more booze in a country where there is already 600+ breweries. D’oh.
These guys obviously don’t listen to the podcasts about doing business in China at CBN.
The next award goes to Anthony Marx (no relation to Groucho or Karl) the prez of Amherst College in America.
CCTV 9 (CCTV 9 is to TV stations as Macau is to Las Vegas) interviewed Tony today. If you turned down the sound and just watched Tony it looked like Bush reading Horton Hears a Hu to hearing impaired kindergarten children and if you left the sound on it just sounded like Bush.
He got trapped into being an apologist for the racial and economic disparities in American elite schools. Were it a parliamentary debate the resolution” America is racist, snobby, expensive place to get educated–especially at our school” then the government (CCTV–ironic, huh?) won the match. In a country (China) where a qualified student can attend a top ten school for $750 USD a year he spoke to how Amherst is graciously offering the same tuition rates ($45,000 with room) to International students as they do to the kids in their recovering gang members from the Bronx affirmative action program.
I woke up and caught a few sound bites I liked like that alluded to the fact that market forces will lower “elite” school tuition. He said that Harvard and Yale would likely follow his lead to stay competitive. I am guessing that Duke and MIT recruiters also stay awake nights wondering what Marx will think of next to steal the best and brightest.
And then he went on to say that some recent innovations actually allowed his admissions team to actually read more applications submitted and more of of the ones they actually did inspect. So, I will do some recon’ on the prelim screening, but in the interim be sure not to use a hotmail address as they go right in the dumper and for god’s sake use the watermarked paper!
Congrats guys!!!
Posted 7 April, 2008 in American Professor in China, Education in China, Ryan Mclaughlin, New Zealand, Chinese Education, 中国, Humor, China Humor, Intercultural Issues, In the news, Macau
How How Report… (3)
It is generally not my policy to hype off-topic businesses on Onemanbandwidth, but I made an exception in this case.
Ryan McLaughlin of Lost Laowai, Hao Hao Report, Dao by Design and dozens of other sites has reached back to his Canadian roots and come up with what could be a real gem of an online biz.
Following you will find excerpts from what you will soon find at Ryan McLaughlin.us. It is a refreshing change from most “Friend Finder” type sites:
BAG A CANUCK!
Have you dreamed of making love to a Canadian Guy, Aye?
Stop DREAMING and make that fantasy come true!
How to Bag a Canuck” is a 75 page e-book that tells you everything you need to find, attract and seduce a wild bacon bender from the 51st state:
- Where to find enchanting and eligible guys in wool caps in your neighborhood The names of the top ten cities in Canada and China where you are liable to meet dudes with snowshoes, eh?
- How to convince one, without illegal substances, in any country to become your personal Mountie!
- How to dress down to impress
- How to earn his admiration without looking like you are trying too hard and without having to sleep with his friends
- How to get to know him as well as the back of your snowmobile BEFORE you even think of asking him out
- How to write and compose the perfect online dating profile or letter so that he starts chasing you and not the moose in his garden
- What gifts to give him right down to the kinds of cheese and macaroni he would appreciate most
- What you need to know about her culture so that she not only accepts you as a lover but grows to share his sausages
- The Do’s and Don’ts of interracial dating and most…like not fighting over the last bag of pork rinds
- How to talk about the Canadian (ha) Military:
It doesn’t matter if the caribou lover you are longing for is a twenty year old “dog sledder” from Montreal or a 45-year-old six-time divorced business expat from mainland China. Our step-by-step guide for a first date works every time on every Canuck for every culture (and it is not the type of advice you will find in any other book!) Other books will simply give you a long list of suggestions for “creative” ideas for dates. We will tell you why the first date is no time to use your imagination! We will take you step-by-step through the entire First Date Ritual from shaving your nose hairs to how to bait a salmon rig.
In fact, this book asks you to forget everything you think you know about impressing a guy with ear flaps. We ask you to forget your creativity (which just looks like blundering around to a Canuck) and all of your preconceptions (which just looks like racism) by revealing:
- The one most important quality that Canadian guys revere in a partner: body heat
- The all-time worst thing you can do to turn him off in your initial email or communication: insult his dog
- The one physical gesture that will inspire him to have complete confidence in you: OK, now stand back up….
- Why your sense of humor may not seem so charming to him. How to avoid old jokes like What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? Answer: The taste
Nobody understands snow fever better than the author who knows exactly how unbearable unrequited desire can be! The symptoms include anxiety, restlessness, a preoccupation with Nanook, Sgt. Preston and a longing to tussle between the sheets with a guy wearing walrus boots.
HOW TO DATE A NORTHER (Bag a Canuck) shows you how to understand each and every type of ice grinder – from the mildest to wildest and how they have learned to manipulate those stereotypes to drive you crazy with lust!
Although these men seem mysterious and complex, we will tell you the simple secrets (some of them based on ancient wisdom from his culture like how to make wine in a garbage bag) that will tame these proud beasties and have them eating out of your hand—not that its so unusual, but…. Much of it will surprise you! This book gets right into the psychological blubber of how to seduce him including the most important-
- G (Goose) Spot!
- How to honor every single part of his body from beaver pelt to wool socks including his hair, his neck, his eyes, his hairy, bejeweled lips, his breasts, his muzzle loader, his arms, his legs etc. and capture his love, devotion and sexual lack of imagination forever.
Nowhere, not in a bookstore, on the Internet or anywhere in Ontario will you find a book on how to seduce and bag a backwoodsman as thoroughly, safely (like jumpin’nekked over a bear trap) and psychologically intriguing as this one!
Knowing everything about him, from parka to pup tent, is one of the secrets to unleashing the passionate potential that you just know is lurking inside the Canuck that you meet in every day life — that mild-mannered Canadian that you see working as a Oral (he he) English Teacher or that gorgeous guy sleeping on the park bench. Or perhaps you simply catch a glimpse of a photograph online that simply makes you hold your breath (and maybe something else!)
Stop jerking around and get real about taking the steps necessary to find the hoser of your dreams! We will feel confident about saying that because we know that is exactly what you are doing rather than grasping the fact that a future with a real flesh and blood socialist is completely possible. Keep in mind too that this book was written by someone who understands you and why you may be so much at the mercy of these gorgeous creatures that you can’t seem to find the nerve to take those all important first steps towards promoting yourself as the lunker of his dreams!
- Do Canadians seem mysterious to you? Unattainable or even too good for you?
- Do you surf for wildlife anime as a substitute for a real sexual experience?
- Do Canadians constantly blow you right off when you try to approach them?
There is just no reason to go on single when you can learn to tell jokes like this:
Cold enough, aye?:
0 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won’t start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen’s freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying “Cold enough for ya? ”
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup
You will learn the most important Canadian Holidays:
12-> Lawyers Day
11-> Start of Christmas Season Day
10-> False Labour Day
9-> Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
8-> Hallmark Card Day
7-> Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6-> Cretienmas or Gomery Inquiry Day
5-> Deadbeat Father’s Day
4-> Bad Hair Day
3-> Doris Day
2-> St. Hooter’s Day
1-> Hash Wednesday
You will learn the subtle differences in speech that will arouse your mate.
You will hear the intonations that make Black pepper, white pepper and toilette pepper unique.
As someone who loves guys from the territories, women you know that they sexually supreme beings who are just as fierce and erotic as the characters you see in Call of the Wild, Norbet Does saskatecewan Sasketchuan, sacatchyouone, Ontario, the silver screen, Northwest Outpost, and Classics illustrated comic books. ..
This book also teaches you the secrets of coming onto him without appearing like a player or a racist including advice on:
- Common Canuck customs : You won’t actually have to light your farts, but it helps to know the customs…
- How to get him to see you as a movie star like Jeanette McDonald…
- How to win the approval of her family: bring Lablatts and act as though you “get” the commercials when they air…
Stop dreaming and make it a reality.
Download coming soon!
Posted 31 March, 2008 in april fools joke, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, 中国, 中文, China Expat, Ryan Mclaughlin, Asian Dating Site, 中原, Internet Dating, Just Plain Strange, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Weird China, China Photos, Expats, China web 2.0
China: No Country for Compliments (0)
I was at Web Wednesday in Hong Kong last week when a veteran expat in China shared with me a new version of a very familiar story.
My friend spoke of traveling to America with a Chinese love interest. It was the first visit abroad for the Chinese half of the couple. Ans after a few days in the land that invented super-sizing the first time tourist said to my friend, “You don’t seem fat at all compared to other Americans.”
One of the things you will get over VERY quickly in China is the need for validation by students, colleagues or friends. The Chinese don’t give one another a break, so don’t expect one for yourself. Sure, they will hand you a compliment, but….
Even with all of the fawning that goes on with a new foreign male or young female teacher there is always an addendum…. Here are but a couple real ones.
–”Your classes are less boring than the last teacher’s…”
–”I will tell you the secret: many students think you are very handsome, including me. But, you have no muscle. Just do some more exercise. Do you love Tennis?”
–”Here is the name of the girl who is in the hospital. It would be nice for you to call her, but don’t say anything. It might upset her.”
–”Maggie, you are very pretty, even with a big bum.”
And even the the most recognizable foreigner in China, DaShan (pictured above), has his moments. Here is a man who was recognized by the government as one of the most influential foreigners of the 90’s in China. On his personal website he has had to settle for a testimonial from the Chinese media in Shenzhen: “…not the least bit inferior to top Chinese performers.”
My students who, when actually speaking, will often do so using the Papal “We”. They recently told me about an earlier teacher (a favorite topic) who was frustrated that he could not elicit responses from the group: “We think he talked too much and didn’t let us speak.” I asked the group if they thought he may have just not understood that the Chinese idiom, “The nail that sticks up gets beaten down,” was still a social mandate (suspended for criticism of teachers, of course) of which he was not aware. I went on to ask whether or not they thought that he might have been confused or even a bit intimidated and subsequently talked more to alleviate his anxiety. They responded that “all of us think” he should have been more knowledgeable about how to teach Chinese students. And then they went on to criticize foreign teachers for not staying around more than a year at a time–the government mandated length of a normal, albeit renewable, teaching contract.
So, now when they ask me how I like teaching here I say, “We like it. It is good preparation for a career as a correctional officer in an American penitentiary.”
Posted 9 March, 2008 in Chinese Media, 中国, Chinese Education, American Professor in China, Education in China, China Expat, Weird China, Teaching in China, Asian Humor, China Humor, Asia, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Humor
Am I Hot or Not: Google vs Baidu (8)
He talks about Google trying to conjure up a potion to put some lead in its seach engine pencil in China. He fails to mention that they also need a dose of virtual Viagara in Korea, Russia and Japan to name three more….
But he does go on to say he is relatively, almost certain that Google might possibly join up with a Chinese music site to probably offer songs from Universal Music (home of the Soon-To-Be-Elevator-Music Artist’s Alliance) and conceivably (rumor has it) SonyBMG and EMI. Oh yes, and Stephen says “Warner Music, is also believed to have expressed an interest.”
He goes on to assert that Baidu is an “upstart search engine” (founded in 1999–one year after Google) operating in a “culture of piracy” and that it built its business on piracy and is getting “a large portion of its traffic from users searching for illegal music.” In Stephen’s world 7% is large– and no, I won’t make the obvious joke. The 7% represents music searches he assumes to be illegal.
He finshes up his article by expressing his belief that a Google led “experiment with advertising-funded free music in China would be a significant break with the past.” He fails to note that EMI and Baidu already have a deal to live stream Chinese songs and they are working on more aliances with companies and artists.
No I don’t have a rose-colored display on my computer and I know how prevalent IP theft is in China both on and off of the net. But, I also know China is not alone, but they do make good headlines.
Search for Utorrent software–the program that allows you to crib virtually anything–and you will find that it is not de-indexed by Google nor are most of the sites that post anything stealable from movies to games. Isohunt.com a favorite site for world-wide free-downloaders, was hosted in the US until very recently. And I don’t think YouTube is going to be winning any award’s from the folks at Creative Commons. How many steps removed must you be before we eliminate you from the accomplice’s list?
Baidu is in China the country the west loves to hate: they will happily exploit China to make a buck as they demonize them in the press.
On a lighter note: I look at Google and Baidu this way: Who would I want to take to the prom? Baidu is the nerdy kid with the cheaper clothes (Google’s R&D budget exceeds a quarter’s worth of gross revenue for Baidu) while Google is always in the running for Court King or Queen. Baidu saves , Google spends. Google wears contacts and a night retainer, Baidu has hardware and emo glasses. Baidu returns my phone calls, Google’s dance card must be full….
I love the underdog, the laughing dance partner with two left feet and the kids that are never picked for dodgeball: bloggers with humility instead of journalists without borders.
Cast your vote for hot or not:
Posted 9 February, 2008 in Seach engine Optimization, SEM, SEO, Internet marketing China, Search Engine Marketing, Chinese Media, Baidu, china expert seo services guangzhou, SEO China Expert, 中文, Seo China, Chinese Internet, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, China web 2.0, Asia, Intercultural Issues, The Internet, 中国, In the news, China Business, China SEO
Festival de año nuevo in Guangzhou… (3)
I have belonged to a Guangzhou expat group on Facebook for some time. It has kept me abreast of new happenings, restaurants and cultural events. though I rarely attend activities: they usually are hosted in clubs where talk is difficult and drinking, with intermittent dancing, is the activity of choice. Too, we dinosaurs from the days of bell-bottoms and idealism have generally been been replaced by the fashionably ambitious and youth-centric; so, it is tough on we professors who age externally, but remain youthful by association. I often find I don’t have lot in common socially with my contemporaries who are not,as I am, witness to ongoing cultural changes and they are more concerned about the price of their medication than the newest application on Twitter. And while I am grousing: I find that too many of the newer arrivals, old and young, are often disgruntled and have half of their clothes packed or half unpacked with plans for a midnight run should the culture get anymore overwhelming. And it is hard to find a good cheeses to go with their familiar whines…
Last evening I headed for a Mexican Fiesta (a $7.00 USD all-you-can-eat Buffet and no party favors) to meet some 30-odd people whose primary connection c was a chance meet-up created on Facebook by a GZ resident. What a testament to social networking, aye?
To my surprise there was not teacher (Isn’t every laowai in China an English teacher?) in the bunch and virtually everyone worked for a foreign company– most for emerging or established IT firms. I met the 30 year old CEO and founder of a German software development firm (who knew this blog–so, he has to be a good guy, right?), a marketer for a Japanese interactive ad agency, another marketing professional from an on-line game company, sourcing agents, a chocalateer and an on-line travel agent among others. What a geekish joy it was to actually talk in English to people loving their jobs, this city and who were bullish about Guangzhou being “the place to be for IT” in the future. I have been shouting that for two years and the voice back this time was not an echo…
One surprise: a Chinese student, of two years ago was in attendance. She quickly had the group eyeing me with suspicion as she told them how strict I had been as a teacher, that is until she revealed that her fear stemmed from my insistence she arrive on time for lessons and turn off her cell phone during class. I went from Lector to lamb in the squint of an eye and then told her, in gentle professorial tones that it was good to see her face for a change not distorted by the glow of an incoming text message.
I went home, watched Hillary Clinton on Letterman, and mused on how America and Guangzhou may be in for great change.
Feliz Año Nuevo!
Posted 6 February, 2008 in Guangzhou, Chinese Internet, The Internet, Chinese New Year, Chinese Media, 中文, Faceboook, Education in China, China Expat, American Professor in China, Chinese Festivals, Guangzhou China, Intercultural Issues, China Expats, Asia, Asian Humor, Teaching in China, China Business, 中国, Personal Notes, Confucius Slept Here, China Humor
Baidu Basics…. (6)
I was reading an article that merely posed the question: “Can Google Gain Ground on Baidu?”
The benign and oft asked question then regressed into odd xenophobic commentary and a recanting of long traveled urban myths about the world’s #3 search engine Baidu (百度)…
Some of the feedback:
“I heard china were banning US based search engines (yahoo,msn,ask,google) in a politically driven move.”
–I think we should ban bad grammar in post-based nonsense. No, Google (New Motto: “Do a Little Evil“), Yahoo! and the others voluntarily censor themselves in pursuit of the almighty Yuan.
“Baidu’s PPC management tool is far less advanced than that of Google. However, they simply dominate the Chinese market. It would probably change as search marketing industry matures in China.”
–Another English major heard from….Actually, Baidu has a number of tools and programs that I prefer over Google. They can, and will, work side-by-side with companies to ensure maximum exposure. They are now opening up API access to distributors and analytics firms to ensure the best ROI.
“Baidu has only page rank of 7 i think the chinese just dont feel home in google. you forgot to mention google have a local version in china called SOSO.
“another factor is in china end users cannot manage their adwords account only by special adwords brokers appointed by google if every chinese would have made one link for me i was happy man ”
–The above mentioned blog has a diverse, albeit moderately literate, readership. First (or is it “firstly” Des?), Google ranks sites in countries relative to each other. Were Baidu in America it would likely be an 8-9. Anyway, Baidu’s Page rank (capital ‘P” ’cause it is named for the inventor, not the function) is not likely to affect its keywords in western searches. Secondly, SOSO (搜搜) belongs to the “QQ” people at Tencent (note: 搜，which in Mandarin sounds like the English word “so,” means “search” in Chinese). Thirdly, i too was happy if every one of the 230 million users in China would made one link for me.
“Surely google will deserves a position wherever it may be…”
–Insert your own punch line here______.
“You shouldn’t take Baidu’s dominance at full face value, remember that the Chinese government essentially turned google off a couple of years ago and redirected all traffic to baidu. In fact, on a recent visit to China a good friend of mine found it’s still happening intermittently. Not that he minds the free movie and mp3 downloads…”
–1. There is no Google master switch in president Hu’s office. 2. My friend thinks he gets lottery numbers from re-runs of It’s a Wonderful Life. 3. Baidu (百度) is now pursuing contracts with artists and companies and even branding legitimate mp3 players for musicians and advertisers. The Chinese invented noodles and fireworks and may have discovered America, but they did not come up with bit torrent. 4. Current data shows Baidu’s market share in China to be at about 60%. Baidu says that the 60% figure may be accurate for total searches done through a China-based portal, but Baidu claims a 70-75% share for queries originating from in-country. Google is running a distant second and Alibaba is limping in at 3rd. Tencent’s SOSO is an also ran…
“baidu is targetting Only China , but Googole is targetting all the world , so google will have all the previleges to be the n 1 in the world”
–Baidu, in a questionable moment of marketing sanity, just launched a Japanese search engine. “Googole” may be targeting the world, but it is missing the bullseye and shooting itself in the foot in Korea (ever heard of Naver?), China, Russia (Yandex) and other markets. In the David and Goliath wars, my money is on David with his home-field advantage.
Any savvy marketer, blogger or SEO provider needs to understand the mechanics of regional search. For starters:
- Use properly translated keywords in your tags and text. Baidu and Google.cn are more likely to pick you up.
- Submit your URL to Baidu at: http://www.baidu.com/search/url_submit.html
- Be wary of foreign based SEO players outside of China that do not have an on-the-ground presence in country, or purport to know the market while telling you things like, “Simplified Chinese will be sufficient to serve all markets.” A good SEO will optimize for the various ethnic groups and service or product targets you choose. China has 56 ethnic groups and a minimum of 6 distinct markets that can require special understanding and consideration.
- Get an authorized Baidu agent to place any ads for you. Do not buy from any company that claims Baidu has a set-up service fee. Ask for a copy of their contract with Baidu and access to your own control panel, even though it will be in Chinese.
A special Baidu Basics seminar will be held on-line March 6th and is free. Click on the banner above and head for the contact page and drop us a note. We will try and save you a spot and email you information. Whether you are a blogger, businessman, or SEO provider, there will be information on how you can successfully interface with Baidu on behalf of your clients.
Posted 3 February, 2008 in UK SEO EXPERT, SEO China Expert, 中文, Korea, Tencent, QQ, Yandex, Soso, seo expert services guangzhou china, alibaba.com, Chinese Media, Search Engine Marketing, Intercultural Issues, Asia, China Humor, China web 2.0, China Business, 中国, Seach engine Optimization, SEM, SEO, Chinese Internet, China SEO
The Differences…. (11)
Between Chinese and Western Culture…
Meal Times
My Facebook Friend Wu Ya Xian posted these images on her profile page. With most pictures being worth a thousand words, these are far more weighty.
the origial post was copied from here: YANG LIU
and were part of a 2007 art exhibition in Germany by Yang Liu, a Chinese woman, educated in Germany. The originals were meant to reflect differences in those two cultures, but obviously hold up pretty well in a US-Sino comparison…
I think these are perfect for a contest culminating in a book that can be used in Language and Culture classes.
Enjoy:
Social Networks
Communion with Nature
Sunday on the Street
The Child
Ideal Beauty
Refreshments
Sense of Time
Way of Life
Transport
Shower Time
Restaurants (and Cantonese Tour Busses)
Lines/Queues
Parties
Problem Solving
Me/I
And yes, I took some liberties with the translation….
Posted 2 February, 2008 in Confucius Slept Here, Weird China, 中国, Chinese Media, 中文, China Cartoons, Expats, China Humor, Asian Humor, Asia, Intercultural Issues, Humor
China SEO Expert…. (3)
I am not at the top of the rankings as a Martian Search Engine (SEO) expert ( I am only 3rd), but I might be after this post! The algorithms that govern what is and is not registered by search engines like Google and Yahoo! are shape-shifters: They catalog combinations from blogs and websites that can mystify, amuse and swindle you. For example, I am #2 in Google for Adult Pampers Makers even though I can’t remember mentioning diapers on this blog. Maybe, I am too old to remember using them and too young to worry about them just yet. I believe, like Robin Williams, that diapers are like politicians and should be changed frequently because they are both full…
But, I digress…
I know about this listing because someone searched for the term, and my analytics program identified from whence they came. There are other authentic one-hit wonders for which I rank highly, though I am clueless about why people searched for them or why I showed up tops. They ALL beg for an aside, but I am resisting, thinking that you can use your imagination: Pocket Fisherman Diagram, Plentiful Breast Pictures, Professor Asshat, China Olympic Professor Blog, Hairy Chinese Women, Wedding dress Market Report in China, I had my hepatitis shot, but the test says I have no immunity, Naked nurse teaching in China, Anais Nin commerative coin, American Prostitute Self, Naked nurse teaching in starbucks china, quota of America to China, You Tube Hong Kong Free Sex Video, How culture affects the way we use utensils, and Cartoon Photos of a man being massaged among hundreds of others…
Some SEO “Experts” list some of the keywords they claim to have earned in Google’s top ten rankings. They claim that these listings attest to their prowess, and they use these words to convince you that they can move your blog, site or company into a position where you will get more hits and gain international fame and fortune. Most of the words are like the ones above.
Far too many so-called expert Chinese SEO firms prey on clients using this strategy. And most businesses, woefully unaware of SEO methods, are bilked out of thousands of dollars every year. The cost for a “hot word,” one with search results in the millions (think “Buddha,” “free buffet,” or “online video game”), is staggering: the top ten in Google is 20,000 RMB a year ($2,500 USD). A “cold word” with low search returns (think “delicious rat recipes” or “Japan learned everything it knows from the Tang dynasty”) will pull 10,000 RMB ($1,250 USD) from your wallet.
So, as an example, “China Expert SEO Consultant,” at 2 million returns, would cost you 20,000 RMB and bring you absolutely no traffic. “China SEO Expert Guangzhou” will get you two hits a day. I’m always suspect of the word “expert” anyway: In bomb school, an expert was laughingly referred to as a “former drip under pressure”–never a good thing in explosives. It was a surefire way to tell someone was not what they purported to be.
I have many great search results I’m proud of, but were someone to actually come to them, I would worry about their mental health or my ego. I am number one for “American professor” in Google, hands down, and I frequently use this in lieu of a business card when I forget one. I am also in the Google China top ten for “American blog” (out of half a billion returns) and number 1 for “handsomest American in China” (move your Canuck ass over, Da Shan!) And in all humility, I found I rank quite high for “China blog about nothing” and “Lonnie isn’t exactly the sharpest guy in the world,” which isn’t exactly what you’d want when you are trying to build up your consultant site that’s already number 1 for “china business consultant blog” in Google, Google China and Yahoo.
If you are really interested in a legitimate search engine marketing provider, drop me a note at via Culture Fish.
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Zaijian…. (46)
Books have been virtually replaced by blogs. But, puns aside, many of them showcase the transformative elements Pablo Neruda* suggests as essential to written art in Ars Magnetica:
“From so much loving and journeying, books emerge.
And if they don’t contain kisses or landscapes,
if they don’t contain a woman in every drop,
hunger, desire, anger, roads,
there are no use as a shield or as a bell:
they have no eyes and won’t be able to open them….”
Here I have I have tried to smooth the stubble of memory, share poetry, attempt humor, journal my social conscience, and reconcile my longings while shoutng to you in some far-off room. I leave here absolutely bewildered that anyone, other than my long-suffering friends, ever returned to listen. I am grateful you did.
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