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Posted 2 May, 2008 in American Professor in China, Chinese Education, China Business Consultant, China Expat, Education in China, 中国, Confucius Slept Here, Expats, Intercultural Issues, Teaching in China, China Editorials, China Business, China Expats
How How Report… (3)
It is generally not my policy to hype off-topic businesses on Onemanbandwidth, but I made an exception in this case.
Ryan McLaughlin of Lost Laowai, Hao Hao Report, Dao by Design and dozens of other sites has reached back to his Canadian roots and come up with what could be a real gem of an online biz.
Following you will find excerpts from what you will soon find at Ryan McLaughlin.us. It is a refreshing change from most “Friend Finder” type sites:
BAG A CANUCK!
Have you dreamed of making love to a Canadian Guy, Aye?
Stop DREAMING and make that fantasy come true!
How to Bag a Canuck” is a 75 page e-book that tells you everything you need to find, attract and seduce a wild bacon bender from the 51st state:
- Where to find enchanting and eligible guys in wool caps in your neighborhood The names of the top ten cities in Canada and China where you are liable to meet dudes with snowshoes, eh?
- How to convince one, without illegal substances, in any country to become your personal Mountie!
- How to dress down to impress
- How to earn his admiration without looking like you are trying too hard and without having to sleep with his friends
- How to get to know him as well as the back of your snowmobile BEFORE you even think of asking him out
- How to write and compose the perfect online dating profile or letter so that he starts chasing you and not the moose in his garden
- What gifts to give him right down to the kinds of cheese and macaroni he would appreciate most
- What you need to know about her culture so that she not only accepts you as a lover but grows to share his sausages
- The Do’s and Don’ts of interracial dating and most…like not fighting over the last bag of pork rinds
- How to talk about the Canadian (ha) Military:
It doesn’t matter if the caribou lover you are longing for is a twenty year old “dog sledder” from Montreal or a 45-year-old six-time divorced business expat from mainland China. Our step-by-step guide for a first date works every time on every Canuck for every culture (and it is not the type of advice you will find in any other book!) Other books will simply give you a long list of suggestions for “creative” ideas for dates. We will tell you why the first date is no time to use your imagination! We will take you step-by-step through the entire First Date Ritual from shaving your nose hairs to how to bait a salmon rig.
In fact, this book asks you to forget everything you think you know about impressing a guy with ear flaps. We ask you to forget your creativity (which just looks like blundering around to a Canuck) and all of your preconceptions (which just looks like racism) by revealing:
- The one most important quality that Canadian guys revere in a partner: body heat
- The all-time worst thing you can do to turn him off in your initial email or communication: insult his dog
- The one physical gesture that will inspire him to have complete confidence in you: OK, now stand back up….
- Why your sense of humor may not seem so charming to him. How to avoid old jokes like What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? Answer: The taste
Nobody understands snow fever better than the author who knows exactly how unbearable unrequited desire can be! The symptoms include anxiety, restlessness, a preoccupation with Nanook, Sgt. Preston and a longing to tussle between the sheets with a guy wearing walrus boots.
HOW TO DATE A NORTHER (Bag a Canuck) shows you how to understand each and every type of ice grinder – from the mildest to wildest and how they have learned to manipulate those stereotypes to drive you crazy with lust!
Although these men seem mysterious and complex, we will tell you the simple secrets (some of them based on ancient wisdom from his culture like how to make wine in a garbage bag) that will tame these proud beasties and have them eating out of your hand—not that its so unusual, but…. Much of it will surprise you! This book gets right into the psychological blubber of how to seduce him including the most important-
- G (Goose) Spot!
- How to honor every single part of his body from beaver pelt to wool socks including his hair, his neck, his eyes, his hairy, bejeweled lips, his breasts, his muzzle loader, his arms, his legs etc. and capture his love, devotion and sexual lack of imagination forever.
Nowhere, not in a bookstore, on the Internet or anywhere in Ontario will you find a book on how to seduce and bag a backwoodsman as thoroughly, safely (like jumpin’nekked over a bear trap) and psychologically intriguing as this one!
Knowing everything about him, from parka to pup tent, is one of the secrets to unleashing the passionate potential that you just know is lurking inside the Canuck that you meet in every day life — that mild-mannered Canadian that you see working as a Oral (he he) English Teacher or that gorgeous guy sleeping on the park bench. Or perhaps you simply catch a glimpse of a photograph online that simply makes you hold your breath (and maybe something else!)
Stop jerking around and get real about taking the steps necessary to find the hoser of your dreams! We will feel confident about saying that because we know that is exactly what you are doing rather than grasping the fact that a future with a real flesh and blood socialist is completely possible. Keep in mind too that this book was written by someone who understands you and why you may be so much at the mercy of these gorgeous creatures that you can’t seem to find the nerve to take those all important first steps towards promoting yourself as the lunker of his dreams!
- Do Canadians seem mysterious to you? Unattainable or even too good for you?
- Do you surf for wildlife anime as a substitute for a real sexual experience?
- Do Canadians constantly blow you right off when you try to approach them?
There is just no reason to go on single when you can learn to tell jokes like this:
Cold enough, aye?:
0 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won’t start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen’s freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying “Cold enough for ya? ”
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup
You will learn the most important Canadian Holidays:
12-> Lawyers Day
11-> Start of Christmas Season Day
10-> False Labour Day
9-> Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
8-> Hallmark Card Day
7-> Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6-> Cretienmas or Gomery Inquiry Day
5-> Deadbeat Father’s Day
4-> Bad Hair Day
3-> Doris Day
2-> St. Hooter’s Day
1-> Hash Wednesday
You will learn the subtle differences in speech that will arouse your mate.
You will hear the intonations that make Black pepper, white pepper and toilette pepper unique.
As someone who loves guys from the territories, women you know that they sexually supreme beings who are just as fierce and erotic as the characters you see in Call of the Wild, Norbet Does saskatecewan Sasketchuan, sacatchyouone, Ontario, the silver screen, Northwest Outpost, and Classics illustrated comic books. ..
This book also teaches you the secrets of coming onto him without appearing like a player or a racist including advice on:
- Common Canuck customs : You won’t actually have to light your farts, but it helps to know the customs…
- How to get him to see you as a movie star like Jeanette McDonald…
- How to win the approval of her family: bring Lablatts and act as though you “get” the commercials when they air…
Stop dreaming and make it a reality.
Download coming soon!
Posted 31 March, 2008 in april fools joke, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, 中国, 中文, China Expat, Ryan Mclaughlin, Asian Dating Site, 中原, Internet Dating, Just Plain Strange, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Weird China, China Photos, Expats, China web 2.0
You Gotta Have Friends… (3)
A few years ago I was in a Hong Kong software shop when suddenly a shrill voice began shouting what I now know was Cantonese for, “Cheese it the cops!”
Within seconds the metal gate to the entrance was electronically being lowered and like some character in a low-budget HK martial arts flick I had to dive under the door to keep from being trapped inside.
And it was a good thing I made it out as at as fast I did because five of–I am sure of this–the largest policemen in Hong Kong came in short order to kick the door down and begin demolishing what must have been bootleg DVDs and software knock-offs. A few seconds later in my departure and I might have been making my way back to America on the next cargo plane one-way.
There have been a number of measures implemented since that time in HK to ensure that consumers, many of whom are mainland tourists, get authentic products. The fake Rolex guys are still on every street corner, but are transparent about the quality of their goods. But, a consistently reputable shop with static sales people is hard to find. Though I think I might value the fakes in HK more than the i-Bods and i-Fones and Rolez watches sold in the mainland.
Soon after my brush with deportation I sought out a trustworthy and found one I have frequented for the last three years. I do not buy anywhere else in HK: It is a tiny shop called Suntekco at Haiphong road, nearby the South Entrance of Kowloon Park. It is the first shop on the left as you head straight away from the Starbucks outside of the Marco Polo Hotel. Phone: (852) 2376 2915
Every salesman, in a shop hardly big enough in which to change your mind, is an expert on any electronic or photographic device new or old. And if you need to save a few dollars, and a generic lens will take the same quality pictures as the brand named version, they will tell you. Too, I have never even produced a receipt when returning merchandise (2X in three years and once it was due to user error) and my goods have been replaced without question.
They have dozens of customers each hour passing through yet can remember my name and that of my friends as well as every piece of equipment I have ever purchased. It doesn’t get any better than that.
This is not a paid infomercial, but a letter of gratitude. I should have written it a long ago because I call the folks at Suntek friends now and love nothing more than to see good friends succeed. Head over to the Dreamblogue and see some of the great pictures David and I have taken with discount gear purchased for us at Suntek Camera Store by the sponsors of the dreamblogue.
I have my eye on a 16-gig i-Phone and the lightning fast new Canon, but as it is for me, I have a few paychecks to squeeze some change from before I head back to HK.
Posted 22 March, 2008 in Camera shop in Hong Kong, China Business Consultant, Sunteck Camera Hong Kong, Photo Equipment, Cal Poly, 中文, Wholesale Electronics China, Expats, Photos, 中国, Wholesale Products China, Hong Kong
The Differences…. (11)
Between Chinese and Western Culture…
Meal Times
My Facebook Friend Wu Ya Xian posted these images on her profile page. With most pictures being worth a thousand words, these are far more weighty.
the origial post was copied from here: YANG LIU
and were part of a 2007 art exhibition in Germany by Yang Liu, a Chinese woman, educated in Germany. The originals were meant to reflect differences in those two cultures, but obviously hold up pretty well in a US-Sino comparison…
I think these are perfect for a contest culminating in a book that can be used in Language and Culture classes.
Enjoy:
Social Networks
Communion with Nature
Sunday on the Street
The Child
Ideal Beauty
Refreshments
Sense of Time
Way of Life
Transport
Shower Time
Restaurants (and Cantonese Tour Busses)
Lines/Queues
Parties
Problem Solving
Me/I
And yes, I took some liberties with the translation….
Posted 2 February, 2008 in Confucius Slept Here, Weird China, 中国, Chinese Media, 中文, China Cartoons, Expats, China Humor, Asian Humor, Asia, Intercultural Issues, Humor
When Bad Things Happen… (1)
Reflections on the 70th Anniversary of the Rape of Nanjing
“The ancient commission of the writer has not changed. He is charged with exposing our many grievous faults and failures, with dredging up to the light our dark and dangerous dreams for the purpose of improvement.”
Steinbeck, in his speech at the 1968 Nobel Banquet that honored him, expressed a belief in the perfectibility of man that he thought could come, in part, through the artist’s inherent mandate to speak honestly. I believe that historians too are charged with the same task; because man has “…taken Godlike power, we must seek in ourselves for the responsibility and the wisdom we once prayed some deity might have.”
Several years ago Rabbi Harold Kushner made popular a treatise on the Old Teatament Book of Job. When Good Things Happen to Bad People took on the daunting task of explaining why God, in the allegorcal text, might have subjected his dutiful servant Job to all manner of physical and emotional trauma while expecting him to be obedient and adoring. The book purportedly meant to give us comfort by explaining what laymen already had resigned themselves to knowing about Job: adversity just happens and we need to content ourselves with the knowledge that God has a greater plan to which we are not yet privy.
I never accepted Kushner’s easy out; so when tasked with teaching the Bible as Literature to Chinese students this year, I studied Job knowing the first question my young scholars would ask was identical to my own: why would man’s creator willingly torture a loving being, cast in his own image, for the sake of a cosmic bet with the devil? I found the answer in the actions of Job’s friends, not those of God as he was portrayed by the allegory’s author: Job’s friends willingly abandoned him. It was with that realization that Job became, for me, less of a lesson about obedience and worship and clearly a moral guide to my responsibilities to my fellow man.
When the Japanese invaded China in 1937 the world chose not to respond to reports of atrocities that were themselves biblical in magnitude. In one of the most perfect examples of repeated cosmic irony, John Rabe, a member of Germany’s Nazi party became the “Angel” or “Living Buddha of Nanjing” alongside its “goddess” an American Christian missionary by the name of Minnie Vautrin. After being rebuffed by their respective diplomatic liaisons they established a “safe zone” that saved more than 250,000 people from being tortured, burned alive, buried alive, decapitated, bayoneted raped or shot for sport. They acted for God, or in God’s stead, as a behavioral contagion of evil spread through the occupying Japanese Army.
The irony did not stop there: Vautrin, suffering from exhaustion, returned to America soon after the six-week ordeal and succumbed to the darkness of disillusionment by committing suicide. Rabe was arrested by his own party for his involvement in Nanjing, and then tried after the war for his earlier Nazi affiliation depleting his resources, devastating his health and forcing him to live in poverty.
After learning of Rabe’s plight the survivors of Nanjing took up collections to assist him in holding on to a life Vautrin could not bear to live out. Both Rabe and Vautrin now have monuments erected to their memory in the city of Nanjing where they are rightfully memorialized as icons of goodness and charity.
If it is the duty of the artist to expose the truth to the light, it is the job of the historian to frame and disseminate the events that can re-shape our souls whether we think them to be temporal or divine.
Rabe and Vautrin did not leave the Jobs of Nanjing to suffer the mysteries of fate: They were courageous against uncertainty, raised rational voices amidst the absurdity of war, and thankfully were more committed than the closest of personal friends during a time of horror and anguish.
Just yesterday I read where 46% of people answering a poll on the social networking site Facebook said they had no desire to see the recently released powerful documentary on the massacre at Nanking. It is likely the emotional cost, not the price of a ticket keeping them away from the film. Some, like Job’s fair weather friends, do not feel the need for humanitarian counsel. It seems some things are slow to change, but that should not stop anyone, artist advocate or historian, from authenticating the past by giving voice to those are not heard even in the terrible silence of indifference. Carolyn Forche, in her award winning book, The Country Between Us writes: “There is nothing one man will not do to another.” Steinbeck was right: we have usurped the authority and have supposed ourselves to carry the omniscience once ascribed to God.
while I agree with Steinbeck, Kushner and I diverge: I don’t think God, in any any of the earthly renditions we have supposed for his form or character, plays cosmic dice at our expense. And while I know first-hand the pain man is capable of inflicting, I choose to include charity among the many intentional acts that we might choose to commit.
Post Script:
True friends are hard to come by in any age. I am blessed with the unconditional love of long-time associates. within hours of writing this post one of my long-suffering allies lost his son. Bob, Sharon, Barb: My heartfelt condolences during an ordeal no family should ever have to experience.
–Lonnie
Other Nanjing readings and resources: Peking Duck
Asia Times and The Sunday Independent CND and ESNW
Posted 23 January, 2008 in Charity in China, Human Rights, Heartsongs, American Professor in China, Nanjing, Human Rights China, Violence, 中国, Intercultural Issues, War, Expats, China Editorials, Personal Notes, Japan
Zaijian…. (46)
Books have been virtually replaced by blogs. But, puns aside, many of them showcase the transformative elements Pablo Neruda* suggests as essential to written art in Ars Magnetica:
“From so much loving and journeying, books emerge.
And if they don’t contain kisses or landscapes,
if they don’t contain a woman in every drop,
hunger, desire, anger, roads,
there are no use as a shield or as a bell:
they have no eyes and won’t be able to open them….”
Here I have I have tried to smooth the stubble of memory, share poetry, attempt humor, journal my social conscience, and reconcile my longings while shoutng to you in some far-off room. I leave here absolutely bewildered that anyone, other than my long-suffering friends, ever returned to listen. I am grateful you did.
(more…)
Posted 2 August, 2007 in Entertainment, Guangzhou, Travel in China, New Blogs, The Great Firewall, Guangzhou China, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, Censorship, China Book Reviews, Charity in China, Beijing Olympics, China Law, UK SEO EXPERT, China Business Consultant, American Professor in China, 中文, Chinese Education, Hainan Island, 中国, In the news, Expats, Teaching in China, China Editorials, Intercultural Issues, China Expats, Hong Kong, China Humor, Hong Kong Blogs, China Cartoons, China Business, Confucius Slept Here, Just Plain Strange, Photos, Weird China, China Photos, Cancer Journal, American Poet in China, The Unsinkable Ms Yue, China web 2.0
Ghost Whispers…. (13)
I learned today that my sister passed away. I learned over the Internet that she died in November of last year. She was much older than me and never in great health, so I had wrongfully assumed she had “crossed over” years ago. Tonight in the still heat of a stifling Guangzhou I smelled the sour scent of some hard traveled memories and heard her whisper to me….
No, we were not close. Marriage came early for her, when I was 5, and before I was developmentally mature enough to crave or mourn losses. My military family was turning corners in or out of countries every three years or so and making the word “home” an abstraction. My sister was never in our family pictures. I saw her only a few times through the years and her face in my mind’s eye is blurred. I can remember her often speaking of pain and that remains palpable.
Until tonight I had almost forgotten I had a sister. She had been adopted by my unmarried mother at birth. She saw herself later in life as a stubborn vine that connected all of us to my mother’s alcoholic ex-husband and his mistress: She was the offspring of an affair, so her past was kept secret by my simple and well-meaning parents until she was a teenager. My mother and father, emotionally unsophisticated and afraid, asked a Catholic priest to substitute for them and tell her that she was adopted. It did not go well.
I have been watching DVDs this week “expat style.” We often buy two or three seasons of a show at a time, ones we cannot watch on regular TV and then air them from beginning to end in only a few days. It is a way to keep current with our abandoned culture and remain bonded to the lexicon, fashions and familiar emotions of our birth home. This week I have been storming through two seasons of Ghost Whisperer. And I have come to love the show for its generally positive outcomes, its promotion of health through acceptance and forgiveness and its desensitization of our collective fear of the unknown.* The protagonist of the show, who can see troubled spirits, helps earthbound souls unpack the heavy emotional baggage that holds them here. She helps them release after-longing and pain from the past so they can peacefully migrate into their future. It is not a story about religion, or eschatology (life after death), but about how to live well and without regret.
My mother developed Alzheimer’s disease and never was able to finally confront the trauma of being abandoned by her impoverished mother during the Great Depression. Too, she rarely spoke about the man who had deepened her emotional wounds later in life. She did so to protect herself and to maintain some illusion of normalcy for my sister and me. There was no malice in her deception, though my sister never forgave her or my father and never found emotional nourishment that would sate the pain. Where my mother insulated herself with delusions ( and maybe her disease), my sister did so with anger and distrust. After my mother died, I read in another Internet article that my sister had embarked on a public journey to discover more about her origins. I hope to learn one day that she was successful.
I wonder if other expats learn about their vacated lives past and present as I do? I view time compressed, via boxed sets of information that arrive in emails, letters, DVD’s and Internet entries. It was almost five years ago to the day that I leaned my sister’s husband had died an improbable death: an avid outdoorsman, he had contracted Bubonic plague from an insect bite while hunting. He was the first man in America known to have succumbed to the disease in decades. He was the most gifted craftsman I have ever known, but held back from his dream of being a woodcarver and gunsmith by the needy gravity of my sister’s suffering. So, I grieved my loss and his because his short fame was only in the peculiarity of his demise. We wandering expats may seem not to care about what happens to you, but we do. I do. And I, like others, frequent the few paths we can find along time’s rivers looking for signs of you. But can be a lonely and overwhelming journey when information flows so fast from so far away.
I laugh, mourn, celebrate and educate in absentia. Memory also presents to me as a frightened bird that requires patience to keep it nearby long enough that I can study, appreciate and accept both its beauty and its flaws.
I pray that both my sister and my mother are finally at peace. I long ago forgave them for simply being human. I hope they forgave this homeless child for the manifestations of his confusion .
I am the earthbound spirit now: I am on the banks of the river, coaxing the birds and vigilantly listening for whispers….
————————————————
* In another coincidence, I was surprised to see that the crystal ball mind reader on the GW website was created by my old friend and British doppelganger Andy Naughton .
Posted 29 July, 2007 in Violence, The Internet, past posts, 中国, Veterans, Heartsongs, China Expat, American Professor in China, 中文, Personal Notes, Confucius Slept Here, Intercultural Issues, China Expats, Asia, Expats, Teaching in China, Weird China, American Poet in China, China Editorials, Uncategorized
China: The Balance Sheet…. (0)
China: The Balance Sheet differs from most other books we have been reading in preparation for our 22 province journey across China for charity and understanding. China guides to business or living become obsolete almost before they are published. And most of the “expert” commentary on China gives the reader intellectual whiplash: The data contained in strategy texts is often conflicting or out-dated. To offset that problem, this text offers online resources for continuing information and is a testament both to the wisdom and commitment of the authors.
China: The Balance Sheet isn’t so much a book as it is a project that yielded enough information for a book. It is a collection of work, information, and analyses collected by the Institute for International Economics and the Center for Strategic and International Studies, and The Balance Sheet is rife with diverse demographics, like statistics about China’s graying population, as well as an informed political discussion on the Middle Kingdom’s long, curious relationship with Russia. Yes, its such dry reading that we carried an Internet canteen–interspersing the book with irreverent spoofs from Sinocidal to keep from humor dehydration–but every sentence, to drag out a metaphor, is an informational oasis for a Sinophile.
One of the more engaging elements of this book is its ability to maintain a separation from the standard strains of China fever: while the book delivers competent, clear information about mainland China, it avoids over-generalizations and makes clear the plurality and multiplicity of a country with 56 distinct ethnic groups, 200 spoken languages, and size enough to make Europe jealous. As Lucien Pye of foreignaffairs.org says of the book: “The main thrust of the analysis is that diversity has replaced the monolithic system that Mao Zedong created. There are, therefore, many Chinas — rural and urban, wealthy and poor, educated and illiterate, international and isolated.” And yes, seemingly benign statements like that one make it unavailable on the mainland, but censors should tale a second look as it is careful to avoid the paranoia about China’s growth that pervades Western news and doesn’t issue dark proclamations about China’s fearsome rise or apocalyptic fall. The book holds to tenets set forth in early pages: “Because we believe that constructive US policies toward China must rest, first and foremost, on a firm factual and analytical footing, this study’s primary purpose is to provide comprehensive, balanced, and accurate information on all key aspects of China’s own development and its implications for other nations.”
Will the Balance Sheet help you understand business culture in China and learn the secrets of guanxi, face, or how to hold your chopsticks at just the right angle to impress the Chinese delegation leader? No. Will the book arm you with a clear understanding of the economic, political, and demographic realities facing China now? Yes. You can find an overview and preview of the first chapter of the book here and a collection of 2007 published addendum’s here.
This ranks high on our list of must-read texts along with Harold Chee’s Myths.
By David DeGeest with Lonnie B. Hodge
Posted 27 July, 2007 in Internet marketing China, Guangzhou, Chinese Medicine, Travel in China, Chinese Internet, The Internet, The Great Firewall, Foshan China, Chinese New Year, India, China Book Reviews, Chinese Media, China Business Consultant, China Expat, Shanghai, china books, Hainan Island, Chinese Education, Korea, Chinese Proverbs, Human Rights, 中文, Wholesale Electronics China, Wholesale Products China, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Expats, Teaching in China, Japan, Asia, Hong Kong, Macau, Book Reviews, Asian Women, China Editorials, China Business, 中国, Guangzhou China, The Great Wall, Chinese Festivals, In the news, Tibet, China Olympics, Weird China, Confucius Slept Here, China web 2.0
Cinderella Teaching in the Greatest Monkey Show on Earth (1)
An open letter to my students:
Two men recently completed a controversial recreation of Mao’s Long March. At every point along the march, people stared at them and puzzled over their purpose. On one particular occasion, a rural farmer walked up to the travellers and asked, “are you here to do a monkey show?” The historian-marchers, having long ago tired of explaining their journey, wearily assented. “Oh,” the farmer replied. “So…where are the monkeys?”
One of my colleagues (your teacher) a year ago told me that there were two types of expatriate educators in China: performing and non-performing monkeys. It was his feeling that neither administration nor the student body understood any of the reasons he elected to remain in China as a teacher.
Any of you who have been my students in the past two years have seen the movie Cinderella Man. Many of you remember two of the questions I asked following the movie: who would you most like to be in the movie, and who do you think I would most like to be? A few of you knew immediately what my answer would be. It’s the same answer I would expect from anyone who has devoted their life to pedagogy. Some of you wanted to Jim Braddock, champion of the world, devoted parent, and courageous cum-victorious underdog. Others of you would be happy being the rich, yet hardly kind, fight promoter. And a small group of you were comfortable, as I was, picking Jimmy’s trainer as our role model.
I’ve been fortunate enough to have great successes in my life, but my greatest pleasure comes from seeing any one of my students succeed emotionally, personally, financially, or professionally.
Some doomsayers think that China’s spectacular growth is a fairy tale and doomed to a tragic end. If I believed that, I wouldn’t be here. But I believe that some of your notions about education, teachers, and Western culture must change or this will be a very short chapter in book 4,000 years in the making.
Many of you know that my expectations of you in class are different than some other foreign experts. I expect you, for the short time you are in my classroom, to behave as though you were a guest in a foreign country. I expect you to rehearse new patterns of behavior and to make a paradigm shift in your thinking about business and culture in order make to more effective global citizens and international businessmen.
I returned this week from a vacation of sorts, as I spent most of it reading and researching Chinese history and culture in order to better integrate myself into this society and to become a better teacher.
I can probably never expect to be more than a shengren, an outsider who one day you may come to know and trust as more than just an acquaintance. I know that I already view many of you as shuren, or as zijiren, special people for whom I will always have a place in my heart, and for whom I will always make time should you need me.
Here are some of the things I learned:
- I learned that if your country’s explosive growth continues at its current rate for the next 28 years, your economy will be as large as that of the United States. While this sounds impressive, the reality is that you will still have only one quarter the spending power per capita at that time as your counterparts in America.
- Your country, as estimated by UNESCO, will be 20 million college seats short of its needs by 2020.
- In fields like engineering, only ten percent of your current college graduates, because of a lack of resources (including high-quality foreign teachers) and an advanced curriculum, will be able to compete with their global contemporaries.
- China invests seven dollars of research and development money for a return of one dollar in new production output. Conversely, America’s ratio is one to one.
- Your economy has doubled in size every six years, and 250 million people have been pulled up out of poverty. You have the second largest foreign reserves in the world. You made 25% of the world’s televisions, 60% of the world’s bicycles, and 50% of the world’s shoes and cameras.
Sun Zi’s 36 strategies have served you well to this point. You have used offensive, defensive, and deceptive strategies to create the most enviable economy in the world. But to sustain your growth, you will need better knowledge of your enemy. As you know, Sun Zi said,
“Know your enemy, know yourself, and you can fight 100 battles with no danger of defeat. When you are ignorant of the enemy but know yourself, the chances of winning and losing are equal. If you know neither your enemy nor yourself, you are bound to perish in every battle.”
Business is war. Were I still a military man, I might be guilty of giving aid and comfort to the enemy. It is my bounden duty to prepare you for battles in negotiation, acculturation, and professional assimilation. To further drag out this metaphor, I am the training officer who will ultimately be responsible for your campaign successes and failures.
For me, statistical data like that above isn’t much more informative than astrology in that it instructs you in what you can and should avoid. You can change a timeline that hasn’t yet been drawn.
I’m neither a performing monkey nor do I have a troupe of them for your enjoyment. I’m a teacher and a foreign who spends nearly 24 hours, seven days a week learning about and adapting to a China I’ve come to love dearly. All that is asked of you is that you honor my commitment and the commitment of other foreign teachers who take their jobs and their place in this society seriously. On one hand, a few hours a week against the rest of your life is a small sacrifice if you learn nothing. On the other hand, if it creates in you a kind of mental muscle memory that secures your position in even one future negotiation, it was time well spent.
With congratulations to the graduates of 2007. I will always be your cornerman.
Posted 23 July, 2007 in Chinese Proverbs, Guangzhou, Internet marketing China, Chinese Internet, Heartsongs, Macau University of Science and Technology, China Expat, China Business Consultant, American Professor in China, Chinese Education, The Great Wall, past posts, China Cartoons, Teaching in China, Expats, Intercultural Issues, China Business, Confucius Slept Here, Guangzhou China, Chinglish, Personal Notes, China Expats
Addicted to Mediocrity: Education in China II (1)
Several years ago, there was an American dentist who was well known in alcohol recovery circles. He was frequently invited to speak about his circuitous and hard won arrival at sobriety because he was easily one of the most entertaining speakers ever heard on any subject. One story in particular remains with me: Having been told of the death of a colleague, and to preclude public contact while “paying his respects”, he visited the grave site where his friend would be laid to rest. As he leaned over the six-foot deep hole to bid a heartfelt, albeit inebriated goodbye, he fell into the hole. Unable to extricate himself he simply laid down for a brief nap.
When mourners arrived and gathered for the lowering of the casket there was a collective gasp of horror when a figure attempted to rise up from the grave. The dentist mused, “A normal man would have been embarrassed.” But, habit had been a great deadener and he was beyond shame. It would be many years later that he actually reached a “bottom,” deeper than the aforementioned six foot resting place, that acted as a catalyst for recovery. More on this in a bit….
Two weeks ago, amidst finals, I had to quickly return to my office to retrieve a forgotten document; en-route, I passed the classroom of one of the younger Chinese teachers. The brilliant and beautiful Ph.D graduate of one of the top schools in the world was asleep at her desk while her students chattered, used cell phones, applied make-up, read books, dozed, and smoked cigarettes. It looked more like a scene out of Chalkboard Jungle, Stand and Deliver or Freedom Writers, but without hope for a happy ending. In retropsect, the most astonishing part of the experiece was my lack of surprise and concomitant emotional indifference. I guess I have seen this too many times in too many Chinese and expat led classroom–while the teacher was awake.
Students in China, unlike students in Japan, are no longer adherents of Confucian principles. Since the days of Mao’s Cultural Revolution, where teachers were shamed, beaten, jailed and even killed (1966-1976), reverence for teachers is, at best, an arguable ideal. The average Chinese college student in many schools (there are exceptions), who thinks himself respectful, would still manage to incur the wrath of most American Professors because they have not had modeled for them the manners and etiquette expected of a western scholar.
Last week the Chinese media and the Internet were alive with rumors of this incident captured on film:
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Stories abounded about the perpetrators, whose names and school were quickly made public on bulletin boards nationwide, and they had to be secreted away because a bounty had been placed on them. Allegedly 100,000 RMB (about 120,000 USD or 5 years of a school teacher’s gross salary) had been offered to the person or group that would literally beat them into respectfulness. The students, who finally apologized to the teacher, reportedly are back at school and neither the school or the teacher will further comment.
What is most disturbing to me, other than the physical attack and threat of harm to the teacher, is that the scene is all too typical of what many pedants are asked to endure in China. The industrialization of education has led the spoiled offspring of one-child families (Little Emperors), especially the newly prosperous, to believe that they have a right to lord their rich consumer status over low-paid, poorly prepared, and administratively unsupported educators. Teachers are expendable, and salvaging tuition is a higher calling.
Many of us who have been here for several years manage our classrooms with strict discipline and genuine concern for student well-being. Eventually, our sincerity is believed and that, in turn, generates a certain measure of respect. This allows for a reasonably manageable classroom where the handful of students serious about language acquisition and cultural gain can actually glean something useful.
In some rural schools, where teachers might be as paid as little as $50.00 USD per month, educators sometimes resort to brutality against students in a quest for control. There are laws against such behavior, but they are not often enforced. The students, I beieve, are rebelling against a system heavily reliant on memorization, humiliation and devaluation of self. I do not absolve abuse teachers of any negligence or liability by believing that their behavior is part-and-parcel of a dysunctional system. “Chinese education has a long history of corporal punishment,” says Thomas Gold, a University of California-Berkeley sociologist who studies China. Teachers’ “social status remains low, so they may be taking out their own frustrations on laggard kids.” I could not agree more.
My last school, the one where I just resigned, caters to wealthy, underachieving children from privileged families. The school virtually sells advanced (and unaccredited) degrees to business and government leaders from the mainland; accepts known plagiarized theses from students who may or may not have attended classes; admits almost any undergraduate (these programs are accredited) with a healthy bank balance; hires raw mainland talent, looking for a foothold in teaching, at a fraction of the wages paid by government established schools, and with only ten-month teaching contracts containing no provisions for retirement; they protect a registrar who holds American and Chinese Passports and the deanship over five departments who brags about hiding his income from the IRS via a Hong Kong bank; they pad their website faculty list with professors from famous universities who are not active teachers; have investors on their board with government ties who shower the school with land and facility donations; and have a turnover rate for staff that is higher than the local McDonalds. The teachers, though better paid, feel no more self worth than those in rural environs.
It is hard for students to command respect for an education entity, such as the one I left. It is blatantly greedy and inept. But, many, many other Chinese schools, especially privatized ones, have also abandoned functional educational models in the pursuit of profit. And with only 1/3 of graduating seniors assured of work this year many students cannot muster the motivation to respect a system that does little for their future, less for their net worth and still condemns their teachers to social contempt.
It is no wonder that 40% of my former school’s Freshman class applied for transfer. And 20% of the best, brightest and ethical at the school were accepted by other institutions and thankfully will leave. Others wish they would have followed suit because they will be left behind with an even further demoralized and unruly student and faculty population. Only 40% of those students educated abroad will return to China to share the skills they will acquire. My guess is they will avoid the teaching profession if possible.
Any normal system would be embarrassed. It is necessary to examine ways to curb profiteering, improve classroom conditions and teaching methodologies by educating educators and then rewarding them accordingly. It is time to foster respect for those entrusted with educating China’s new managers.
In a country now increasingly pressured to compete globally in business–via skills and quality and not price–while tariffs, environmental concerns and increasing production fees lower profits, one would think China would sober up and ask for a ladder to be lowered to rescue a system now forty years stranded nearly six-feet under.