How How Report… (3)
It is generally not my policy to hype off-topic businesses on Onemanbandwidth, but I made an exception in this case.
Ryan McLaughlin of Lost Laowai, Hao Hao Report, Dao by Design and dozens of other sites has reached back to his Canadian roots and come up with what could be a real gem of an online biz.
Following you will find excerpts from what you will soon find at Ryan McLaughlin.us. It is a refreshing change from most “Friend Finder” type sites:
BAG A CANUCK!
Have you dreamed of making love to a Canadian Guy, Aye?
Stop DREAMING and make that fantasy come true!
How to Bag a Canuck” is a 75 page e-book that tells you everything you need to find, attract and seduce a wild bacon bender from the 51st state:
- Where to find enchanting and eligible guys in wool caps in your neighborhood The names of the top ten cities in Canada and China where you are liable to meet dudes with snowshoes, eh?
- How to convince one, without illegal substances, in any country to become your personal Mountie!
- How to dress down to impress
- How to earn his admiration without looking like you are trying too hard and without having to sleep with his friends
- How to get to know him as well as the back of your snowmobile BEFORE you even think of asking him out
- How to write and compose the perfect online dating profile or letter so that he starts chasing you and not the moose in his garden
- What gifts to give him right down to the kinds of cheese and macaroni he would appreciate most
- What you need to know about her culture so that she not only accepts you as a lover but grows to share his sausages
- The Do’s and Don’ts of interracial dating and most…like not fighting over the last bag of pork rinds
- How to talk about the Canadian (ha) Military:
It doesn’t matter if the caribou lover you are longing for is a twenty year old “dog sledder” from Montreal or a 45-year-old six-time divorced business expat from mainland China. Our step-by-step guide for a first date works every time on every Canuck for every culture (and it is not the type of advice you will find in any other book!) Other books will simply give you a long list of suggestions for “creative” ideas for dates. We will tell you why the first date is no time to use your imagination! We will take you step-by-step through the entire First Date Ritual from shaving your nose hairs to how to bait a salmon rig.
In fact, this book asks you to forget everything you think you know about impressing a guy with ear flaps. We ask you to forget your creativity (which just looks like blundering around to a Canuck) and all of your preconceptions (which just looks like racism) by revealing:
- The one most important quality that Canadian guys revere in a partner: body heat
- The all-time worst thing you can do to turn him off in your initial email or communication: insult his dog
- The one physical gesture that will inspire him to have complete confidence in you: OK, now stand back up….
- Why your sense of humor may not seem so charming to him. How to avoid old jokes like What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? Answer: The taste
Nobody understands snow fever better than the author who knows exactly how unbearable unrequited desire can be! The symptoms include anxiety, restlessness, a preoccupation with Nanook, Sgt. Preston and a longing to tussle between the sheets with a guy wearing walrus boots.
HOW TO DATE A NORTHER (Bag a Canuck) shows you how to understand each and every type of ice grinder – from the mildest to wildest and how they have learned to manipulate those stereotypes to drive you crazy with lust!
Although these men seem mysterious and complex, we will tell you the simple secrets (some of them based on ancient wisdom from his culture like how to make wine in a garbage bag) that will tame these proud beasties and have them eating out of your hand—not that its so unusual, but…. Much of it will surprise you! This book gets right into the psychological blubber of how to seduce him including the most important-
- G (Goose) Spot!
- How to honor every single part of his body from beaver pelt to wool socks including his hair, his neck, his eyes, his hairy, bejeweled lips, his breasts, his muzzle loader, his arms, his legs etc. and capture his love, devotion and sexual lack of imagination forever.
Nowhere, not in a bookstore, on the Internet or anywhere in Ontario will you find a book on how to seduce and bag a backwoodsman as thoroughly, safely (like jumpin’nekked over a bear trap) and psychologically intriguing as this one!
Knowing everything about him, from parka to pup tent, is one of the secrets to unleashing the passionate potential that you just know is lurking inside the Canuck that you meet in every day life — that mild-mannered Canadian that you see working as a Oral (he he) English Teacher or that gorgeous guy sleeping on the park bench. Or perhaps you simply catch a glimpse of a photograph online that simply makes you hold your breath (and maybe something else!)
Stop jerking around and get real about taking the steps necessary to find the hoser of your dreams! We will feel confident about saying that because we know that is exactly what you are doing rather than grasping the fact that a future with a real flesh and blood socialist is completely possible. Keep in mind too that this book was written by someone who understands you and why you may be so much at the mercy of these gorgeous creatures that you can’t seem to find the nerve to take those all important first steps towards promoting yourself as the lunker of his dreams!
- Do Canadians seem mysterious to you? Unattainable or even too good for you?
- Do you surf for wildlife anime as a substitute for a real sexual experience?
- Do Canadians constantly blow you right off when you try to approach them?
There is just no reason to go on single when you can learn to tell jokes like this:
Cold enough, aye?:
0 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won’t start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen’s freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying “Cold enough for ya? ”
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup
You will learn the most important Canadian Holidays:
12-> Lawyers Day
11-> Start of Christmas Season Day
10-> False Labour Day
9-> Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
8-> Hallmark Card Day
7-> Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6-> Cretienmas or Gomery Inquiry Day
5-> Deadbeat Father’s Day
4-> Bad Hair Day
3-> Doris Day
2-> St. Hooter’s Day
1-> Hash Wednesday
You will learn the subtle differences in speech that will arouse your mate.
You will hear the intonations that make Black pepper, white pepper and toilette pepper unique.
As someone who loves guys from the territories, women you know that they sexually supreme beings who are just as fierce and erotic as the characters you see in Call of the Wild, Norbet Does saskatecewan Sasketchuan, sacatchyouone, Ontario, the silver screen, Northwest Outpost, and Classics illustrated comic books. ..
This book also teaches you the secrets of coming onto him without appearing like a player or a racist including advice on:
- Common Canuck customs : You won’t actually have to light your farts, but it helps to know the customs…
- How to get him to see you as a movie star like Jeanette McDonald…
- How to win the approval of her family: bring Lablatts and act as though you “get” the commercials when they air…
Stop dreaming and make it a reality.
Download coming soon!
Posted 31 March, 2008 in april fools joke, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, 中国, 中文, China Expat, Ryan Mclaughlin, Asian Dating Site, 中原, Internet Dating, Just Plain Strange, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Weird China, China Photos, Expats, China web 2.0
China SEO Expert…. (3)
I am not at the top of the rankings as a Martian Search Engine (SEO) expert ( I am only 3rd), but I might be after this post! The algorithms that govern what is and is not registered by search engines like Google and Yahoo! are shape-shifters: They catalog combinations from blogs and websites that can mystify, amuse and swindle you. For example, I am #2 in Google for Adult Pampers Makers even though I can’t remember mentioning diapers on this blog. Maybe, I am too old to remember using them and too young to worry about them just yet. I believe, like Robin Williams, that diapers are like politicians and should be changed frequently because they are both full…
But, I digress…
I know about this listing because someone searched for the term, and my analytics program identified from whence they came. There are other authentic one-hit wonders for which I rank highly, though I am clueless about why people searched for them or why I showed up tops. They ALL beg for an aside, but I am resisting, thinking that you can use your imagination: Pocket Fisherman Diagram, Plentiful Breast Pictures, Professor Asshat, China Olympic Professor Blog, Hairy Chinese Women, Wedding dress Market Report in China, I had my hepatitis shot, but the test says I have no immunity, Naked nurse teaching in China, Anais Nin commerative coin, American Prostitute Self, Naked nurse teaching in starbucks china, quota of America to China, You Tube Hong Kong Free Sex Video, How culture affects the way we use utensils, and Cartoon Photos of a man being massaged among hundreds of others…
Some SEO “Experts” list some of the keywords they claim to have earned in Google’s top ten rankings. They claim that these listings attest to their prowess, and they use these words to convince you that they can move your blog, site or company into a position where you will get more hits and gain international fame and fortune. Most of the words are like the ones above.
Far too many so-called expert Chinese SEO firms prey on clients using this strategy. And most businesses, woefully unaware of SEO methods, are bilked out of thousands of dollars every year. The cost for a “hot word,” one with search results in the millions (think “Buddha,” “free buffet,” or “online video game”), is staggering: the top ten in Google is 20,000 RMB a year ($2,500 USD). A “cold word” with low search returns (think “delicious rat recipes” or “Japan learned everything it knows from the Tang dynasty”) will pull 10,000 RMB ($1,250 USD) from your wallet.
So, as an example, “China Expert SEO Consultant,” at 2 million returns, would cost you 20,000 RMB and bring you absolutely no traffic. “China SEO Expert Guangzhou” will get you two hits a day. I’m always suspect of the word “expert” anyway: In bomb school, an expert was laughingly referred to as a “former drip under pressure”–never a good thing in explosives. It was a surefire way to tell someone was not what they purported to be.
I have many great search results I’m proud of, but were someone to actually come to them, I would worry about their mental health or my ego. I am number one for “American professor” in Google, hands down, and I frequently use this in lieu of a business card when I forget one. I am also in the Google China top ten for “American blog” (out of half a billion returns) and number 1 for “handsomest American in China” (move your Canuck ass over, Da Shan!) And in all humility, I found I rank quite high for “China blog about nothing” and “Lonnie isn’t exactly the sharpest guy in the world,” which isn’t exactly what you’d want when you are trying to build up your consultant site that’s already number 1 for “china business consultant blog” in Google, Google China and Yahoo.
If you are really interested in a legitimate search engine marketing provider, drop me a note at via Culture Fish.
FYI: I am doing SEO work or global marketing lectures free for nonprofit groups or companies who agree to donate my normal fee to the China Dreamblogue project.
For a quote or a assessment of an Expert China SEO/SEM project in Guangzhou or elsewhere you may need please fill out the form below at EXPERT SEO SERVICES CHINA
Posted 25 December, 2007 in Internet marketing China, Guangzhou, SEO, SEM, Seo China, Chinese Internet, Hong Kong Stars, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, Censorship, The Internet, Seach engine Optimization, Search Engine Marketing, China Expat, Beijing Olympics, UK SEO EXPERT, china expert seo services guangzhou, China Business Consultant, SEO China Expert, Chinese Media, 中文, American Professor in China, Guangzhou China, 中国, Greater Asia Blogs, Asia, Japan, China Expats, Asian Women, Asian Humor, China SEO, China web 2.0, Humor, China Humor, Intercultural Issues, China Editorials, Just Plain Strange, cartoons, In the news, Top Blogs, Weird China, China Olympics, China Cartoons, China Business, Gratuitous Cheesecake, Uncategorized
Zaijian…. (46)
Books have been virtually replaced by blogs. But, puns aside, many of them showcase the transformative elements Pablo Neruda* suggests as essential to written art in Ars Magnetica:
“From so much loving and journeying, books emerge.
And if they don’t contain kisses or landscapes,
if they don’t contain a woman in every drop,
hunger, desire, anger, roads,
there are no use as a shield or as a bell:
they have no eyes and won’t be able to open them….”
Here I have I have tried to smooth the stubble of memory, share poetry, attempt humor, journal my social conscience, and reconcile my longings while shoutng to you in some far-off room. I leave here absolutely bewildered that anyone, other than my long-suffering friends, ever returned to listen. I am grateful you did.
(more…)
Posted 2 August, 2007 in Entertainment, Guangzhou, Travel in China, New Blogs, The Great Firewall, Guangzhou China, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, Censorship, China Book Reviews, Charity in China, Beijing Olympics, China Law, UK SEO EXPERT, China Business Consultant, American Professor in China, 中文, Chinese Education, Hainan Island, 中国, In the news, Expats, Teaching in China, China Editorials, Intercultural Issues, China Expats, Hong Kong, China Humor, Hong Kong Blogs, China Cartoons, China Business, Confucius Slept Here, Just Plain Strange, Photos, Weird China, China Photos, Cancer Journal, American Poet in China, The Unsinkable Ms Yue, China web 2.0
It is OMBW’s Free Degree Day! (4)
Tired of no respect? Weary of fellow Airport Security officers ribbing you for taking vocational education all five years of High School? Do you think George Bush could beat you on Scrabulous? The answer for you is here today on OMBW!
Get instant respect from the school and for no money!!!
There is one small catch. You need to pass this simple test:
1. What stands out in this picture from an Internet advertised English Training school (移动英语—沟天下 易如反掌) I discovered today on the Chinese net (YES, REALLY!): MOBILE SCHOOL
If you answered, “David quit dyeing his hair!” you are on your way to a new and profitable career as a China fake-goods spotter. That alone will save you tons of dough on eBay and Craigslist!*
Now the tough one:
2.What is unusual about the school’s certificate of appointment from Harvard University?
If you answered, “There weren’t three Decembers in 2004!” you are almost there!**
Last question: Why do they call it the Mobile training center?
And if you answered, “Where the hell is stuff I paid for?” you can download your Jiade diploma right now:
*Harry?
**Chinglish in the citation…and Harvard has a Principal?
Posted 30 July, 2007 in 中国, In the news, Photos, Chinese Internet, Internet marketing China, Education in China, 中文, Chinese Media, Just Plain Strange, Personal Notes, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, Teaching in China, China Editorials, Weird China, China Photos, China Business, China web 2.0
# 1 Martian SEO Expert…. (6)
I am not at the top of the rankings as a Martian Search Engine Optimization (SEO) expert in the universe, but I might be after this post! The algorithms that govern what is and is not registered by search engines like Google and Yahoo! are shape-shifters: They catalog combinations from blogs and websites that can mystify, amuse and swindle you. For example, I am #1 in Google for Adult Pampers Makers even though I can’t remember mentioning diapers on this blog. I am too old to remember using them and too young to worry about them just yet. I believe, like Robin Williams, that diapers are like politicians and should be changed frequently because they are both full…
But, I digress…
I know about this listing because someone searched for the term, and my analytics program identified from whence they came. There are other authentic one-hit wonders for which I rank highly, though I am clueless about why people searched for them or why I showed up tops. They ALL beg for an aside, but I am resisting, thinking that you can use your imagination: Pocket Fisherman Diagram, Moscow Prostitute, Pig League Facials, Plentiful Breast Pictures, Professor Asshat, China Olympic Athlete Blog, There is the sex that americans admit to, Hairy Chinese Women, Wedding dress Market Report in China, I had my hepatitis shot, but the test says I have no immunity, Naked nurse teaching in China, Anais Nin commerative coin, American Prostitute Self, Naked nurse teaching in starbucks china, quota of America to China, You Tube Hong Kong Free Sex Video, How culture affects the way we use utensils, and Cartoon Photos of a man being massaged among hundreds of others…
Some SEO “Experts” list some of the keywords they claim to have earned in Google’s top ten rankings. They claim that these listings attest to their prowess, and they use these words to convince you that they can move your blog, site or company into a position where you will get more hits and gain international fame and fortune. Most of the words are like the ones above: once in a Martian moon sighting you will get a hit. Some seem remarkably credible like “UK SEO Expert.” He sounds, or can make himself sound, like the marketing go-to guy in England–that is, until you do some research on Submit Express and discover that on any given day there are ZERO searches for that term.
Far too many Chinese SEO firms prey on clients using this strategy. And most businesses, woefully unaware of SEO methods, are bilked out of thousands of dollars every year. The cost for a “hot word,” one with search results in the millions (think “Buddha,” “free buffet,” or “online video game”), is staggering: the top ten in Google is 20,000 RMB a year ($2,500 USD). A “cold word” with low search returns (think “delicious rat recipes” or “Japan learned everything it knows from the Tang dynasty”) will pull 10,000 RMB ($1,250 USD) from your wallet.
So “UK SEO expert,” at 2 million returns, would cost you 20,000 RMB and bring you absolutely no traffic. I’m always suspect of the word expert anyway: in bomb school, an expert was laughingly referred to as a “former drip under pressure”–never a good thing in explosives. It was a surefire way to tell someone was not what they purported to be.
I have many great search results I’m proud of, but were someone to actually come to them, I would worry about their mental health or my ego. I am number one for “American professor” in Google, hands down, and I frequently use this in lieu of a business card when I forget one. I am also in the Google China top ten for “American blog” (out of half a billion returns) and number 1 for “handsomest American in China” (move your Canuck ass over, Da Shan!) and ridiculously #1 for America’s Best Blog. In all humility, I found I rank quite high for “China blog about nothing” and “Lonnie isn’t exactly the sharpest guy in the world,” which isn’t exactly what you’d want when you are trying to build up your China business consultant site that’s already number 1 for “china business consultant blog” in Google, Google China and Yahoo.
If you are really interested in a legitimate search engine marketing provider, drop me a note and I’ll turn you on to the likes of Fili, Ryan, CWM, or someone else who will be able to get their hands out of your Paypal pockets at some point. And if you’re considering marketing to Martians anytime soon, you know where to look…
FYI: I am doing SEO work or global marketing lectures free for nonprofit groups or companies who agree to donate my normal fee to the China Dreamblogue project.
By the way, with this many links in a post, doesn’t it look like Dan Harris wrote it?
Posted 25 July, 2007 in Seo China, Internet marketing China, Guangzhou, SEO, Chinese Internet, The Internet, Guangzhou China, Hong Kong Stars, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, Censorship, SEM, Seach engine Optimization, China Business Consultant, China Expat, Beijing Olympics, UK SEO EXPERT, SEO China Expert, American Professor in China, Search Engine Marketing, Chinese Media, 中文, 中国, Top Blogs, Asian Women, Greater Asia Blogs, Asia, Japan, Asian Humor, China Humor, China SEO, China web 2.0, Humor, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Weird China, Just Plain Strange, cartoons, In the news, China Olympics, Gratuitous Cheesecake, China Editorials, China Cartoons, China Business, Uncategorized
SEO SECRET…. (6)
I started an Search Engine Optimization (SEO) series a few months back and then abandoned the effort: Feedback from regular readers, most of them blogless and not looking to adopt, read, “I’m bored senseless!” It seems that only members of the China shoe-money society really read things and then they pissed and moaned: “It’s too simple,” or “Explain how to put an image in my post that doesn’t blow out my sidebar” were some of the two emailed questions….And then there was the uproar created by comments on a blog that used my posts to generate traffic by calling Fili and I “Greedy Superficial Bloggers” for discussing Search Engine Optimization (SEO) methods on our sites. It even got people taking sides and nearly cyber-rioting before he kind-of admitted it was just a scam meant to coax more readers to his site. But, I digress…
One of the deservedly best-loved sites on the planet is Post Secret. The trouble with being public and popular is that you are open to spoof. (Dear Sinocidal, I am still waiting for next April 1st….
The picture above was blatantly ripped off a very funny parody of Post Secret. Now, a lot of it is out loud funny, but a bit of it will only be understood by Fili, Ryan and others like the ass-hat. You can take a peek at it by clicking on the picture above. The photo references Matt Cutts, a paid stooge for Google whom I parodied hereon the site, a few weeks ago. Anyway head over to the comedy and have fun. REMEBER to click on the links below the pictures for more fun….
PS: Speaking of Fili: Head over to his blog as that greedy, superficial blogger living in China’s latest province is actually offering free SEO help (There must be a catch :-)…) to anyone who wants to bring in traffic via sound and in-offensive methods.
Another SEO stunt in the works can be found by the hit-grubbers at Hao Hao and Chinalyst :-). They are sponsoring the 3rd-failed annual China Blog Awards. If you have already have a fave site you can vote for them and, more importantly, you can visit some of other blogs that you may not have cruised through yet. There is a terabyte of great stuff out there!
PPS:
Above is a way to view Blogspot (Thanks J) if you live in places like I do….One site you need to get to:
Posted 19 July, 2007 in Blogroll Diving, SEO, Internet marketing China, Seo China, The Internet, Chinese Internet, SEM, Seach engine Optimization, SEO China Expert, Taiwan, 中文, Chinese Media, Search Engine Marketing, 中国, Top Blogs, Top China Blogs List, Greater Asia Blogs, Asian Humor, China Humor, China web 2.0, Videos, Asia, China Editorials, cartoons, In the news, Photos, Just Plain Strange, Weird China, China SEO
Rats off a sinking ship: Yum! (2)
The weather widget on my Mac says it is 97 degrees here in Guangzhou, but “feels like 107.” Who writes their copy? I think it would be a lot more descriptive, and accurate, to say: “97, but feels like you are clothed snorkeling in a sauna.” It has rained daily and the humidity is malleable. But, somehow I think we in Guangzhou have it better than the folks in Anhui and other areas experiencing torrential rains and home-destroying floods.
Guangdong residents have found a bizarre pot of gold at the end of the intermittent rainbows: Rats! They are being brought in by the truck-load especially from central China, where 2 billion of them (did someone really count?) were displaced when a lake flooded.
The reason for jubilation?: “Rat Banquets!!” Rat vendors (I am in the market for one of their business cards) are making huge money on the fabled eating habits of the Cantonese. I have lived here long enough to attest that it is not a myth when they claim these folks will eat anything that does not eat them first, or objects that they have to fly in or sit on…
The rats, reportedly NOT the bad bug-ridden rascals from Hunan where they are part of a crop-destroying plague, go for about 75 cents US for a kilogram to the buyers and fetch about $18 USD in the restaurants. The rat-catchers near the lake can haul in 150 KG a night and make about $10.00 USD. That is pretty good money in central China.
The oddest part–if there can be any quantifying– of the CNN story is that this new wave of furry fare is plentiful, not because of the lake, but due a lack of critter-chasing snakes and owls that the Cantonese love to include in their food and medicine.
Joyful Guangzhou netizens are now posting rat recipes on their blogs.
Yum.
P.S. Speaking of Guangzhou: Here is a site with some amazing 3-D maps of “home”…
Posted 16 July, 2007 in Chinese Internet, The Internet, Guangzhou China, Guangzhou, Chinese Medicine, 中文, Travel in China, 中国, In the news, China Business, China Editorials, Intercultural Issues, China Photos, Weird China, Photos, Just Plain Strange, Asia
It is OMBW’s Free Degree Day! (2)
Tired of no respect? Weary of fellow Airport Security officers ribbing you for taking vocational education all five years of High School? Do you think George Bush could beat you on Scrabulous? The answer for you is here today on OMBW!
Get instant respect from the school and for no money!!!
There is one small catch. You need to pass this simple test:
1. What stands out in this picture from an Internet advertised English Training school (移动英语—沟天下 易如反掌) I discovered today on the Chinese net (YES, REALLY!): MOBILE SCHOOL
If you answered, “David quit dyeing his hair!” you are on your way to a new and profitable career as a China fake-goods spotter. That alone will save you tons of dough on eBay and Craigslist!*
Now the tough one:
2.What is unusual about the school’s certificate of appointment from Harvard University?
If you answered, “There weren’t three Decembers in 2004!” you are almost there!**
Last question: Why do they call it the Mobile training center?
And if you answered, “Where the hell is stuff I paid for?” you can download your Jiade diploma right now:
Posted 13 July, 2007 in 中国, In the news, Photos, Chinese Internet, Internet marketing China, Education in China, 中文, Chinese Media, Just Plain Strange, Personal Notes, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, Teaching in China, China Editorials, Weird China, China Photos, China Business, China web 2.0
What would Buddha do? (3)
Several years ago, attending a Jimmy Buffet concert with a Catholic priest (Indian trail, NC, not Margaritaville) , we were discussing ways to raise money for his new parish. In neighboring Georgia a woman was drawing huge crowds claiming to see incarnations of the Virgin Mary. So, we laughingly concocted a never-to-be scheme that involved catching and releasing a trout on the church property that we would say bore some saint’s likeness on its its tail. We would then put donation baskets all up and down the creek. It was sacrilegious, but damned funny anyway.
A few years later I visited Shingo, Japan where they claim to have Christ and his brother buried on a hill above town. Jesus, according to local mythology, let his brother take his place on the cross and then went to rural Japan and retired to a happily married life in the sticks. Surprisingly, there was no marketing involved anywhere near the grave site.
Please bear with me as this all comes together for you in the usual intuitive flash at the end…
I just read a delightful book first printed in 1999 entitled What would Buddha Do? by Franz Metcalf. The pocket-sized tome is rife with well thought out answers to a host of everyday questions, some that made me laugh out loud:
1. What would Buddha do if his credit cards are maxed out?
2. What would Buddha do when making a salad?
3. What would Buddha do to avoid burnout?
4. What would Buddha do about trusting the media?
The answer to last question can be found in the Buddhist writing Undanavarga 22.17: “One’s ears hear a lot; one’s eyes sees a lot. The wise should not believe everything seen or heard.” Buddha must read the China Daily too, where I found the picture above. It seems Buddha hung around for about an hour on Heibei’s Zushan Mountain, but unlike the manifestations in Georgia, he didn’t impart any wisdom to the local tourists.
In another book I reviewed recently, One Couple, Two Cultures, there was a story about a British man and his Chinese wife discussing behavior common in each other’s country. The wife seemed to have no trouble commenting on behalf of the entire 1.3 billion residents of China, while the Brit’ demured on speaking for the whole of England. I can with absolute certainty say that had the Buddha appeared in Stone Mountain Park, Georgia, that every redneck (remember before you shoot that my father hailed from Harlan County, Kentucky), instead of burning him as a heretic would have tried to sell him on Ebay. I still remember the eerie glow-in-the-dark St. Joseph that watched over me as a child sleeping in the dark.
Now I’m not sure what made them think it was Buddha and not Mother Theresa, Confucius, or Steve Irwin. But I continue to digress…
What surprised me the most is that nobody is now selling watches of Buddha waving from the peak or claiming to have private chats with Gautama himself. Another missed marketing opportunity for China. David and I are thinking about sorting through seaweed potato chips until we come up with some that look like Sun Yat Sen or Lao Zi. We promise to donate all proceeds (and extra chips) to charity.
So what would Buddha do if Buddha were alive today? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be standing around in the Heibei fog, though he might possible blog a few meditations–using a wordpress platform, of course. So I’m off to see if WWBD-in-canton.com is taken. This way, we can answer the pressing questions like:
1. What would Buddha do if someone stole a taxi out from under his nose?
2. What would Buddha do if someone took the food from his plate at a Cantonese buffet?
3. What would Buddha do if he found out he were watching a bootleg copy of Seven Years in Tibet?
4. What would Buddha say if his disciples kept commenting on his weight and skin color?
Now I’m getting ready to read Metcalf’s answer to “What would Buddha Do about that Coffee Habit?” If this post isn’t a call for my spiritual rehab or caffeine detox, I don’t know what is.
Posted 10 July, 2007 in past posts, Chinese Festivals, Entertainment, Guangzhou China, 中国, Just Plain Strange, Photos, In the news, Chinese Internet, Internet marketing China, 中文, American Professor in China, China Expat, Chinese Media, China Book Reviews, Guangzhou, Blogroll Diving, Personal Notes, Confucius Slept Here, Greater Asia Blogs, Asia, Japan, Asian Women, Asian Humor, Book Reviews, Humor, China Humor, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, American Poet in China, China Photos, Weird China, China Business, China Editorials, Expats, Teaching in China, Hong Kong
And don’t forget to put the seat down…. (1)
I just got back from Phuket* where most things are suspect: The prettiest girls are, well, guys and the DVDs are more expensive, but still originally shot on a camcorder in a movie house projection booth. The one thing they could not fake was the pristine water surrounding Phi Phi (unfortunately pronounced a lot like “pee-pee”) Island. I could actually see to the bottom and nothing dead floated by me.
Upon my return to Guangzhou I really could not help notice that our city prostitute, the Peal River, who looks great at night still was not someone you would want to wake up to in the morning. To mix a metaphor, pun intended, during daylight hours it looks like payday in a five year old’s proud potty chair.
Last year I respsonsibly reported that China produced more than 12 billion tons of industrial waste-water in the first half of 2006. That was up 2.4 percent from the same period in 2005 according to The China Daily quoting a State Environment Protection Administration report.
A major index of water pollution called the chemical oxygen demand increased by 3.7 percent in the first six months, while emissions of sulphur dioxide rose 4.2 percent, the report said. Acid rain, which affects almost one-third of the nation, also remained unchecked, it said. The environment watchdog attributed the increased volume of pollution to the country’s booming industries, as the economy steamed ahead by 10.9 percent in the first half of the year. It said food-processing, paper-making and chemical plants accounted for more than 80 percent of the increase in the chemical oxygen demand level. The watchdog said only 30 to 40 percent of public industrial projects had undergone environmental evaluations before they went ahead, and criticized local governments for not implementing strict environment protection policies.” China may only wake up when it truly realizes the monetary value of its failed five-year plan for environmental improvement: pollution has resulted in economic losses of over 65 billion US Dollars–about three percent of its GDP.
Shortly after that the then Guangdong Governor Huang, Hua Hua (such a happy name, huh?) led three thousand apparantly blind and olfactory challenged people in a swim across the river to prove it was indeed cleaner than in previous years–this despite local hospitals publicly warning folks off of the adventure.
Hua Hua said the, “We hope everyone will join hands to protect the river so the day will soon come when Guangzhou citizens can swim in it every day.” I would think walking on it everyday would be a more attainable goal.
In recent years, local governments have spent 27.5 billion yuan ($3.6 billion) reducing and controlling sewage discharge into the river and you still cannot see the sun reflected in the murk on a good day. It is good to be a government contractor in China.
Well, the worst publiciy stunt since Bush landed a plane on an aircraft carrier is going to be repeated this year! Guangzhou’s top gun Zhang Guangning is leading the charge sometime in the next week or two. They will be celebrating the cleanliness of the Pearl River.
I think the boy-girls in Phuket are more believable. For a MARGINALLY work-safe photo of David and the “Boys” (more…)