How How Report… (3)
It is generally not my policy to hype off-topic businesses on Onemanbandwidth, but I made an exception in this case.
Ryan McLaughlin of Lost Laowai, Hao Hao Report, Dao by Design and dozens of other sites has reached back to his Canadian roots and come up with what could be a real gem of an online biz.
Following you will find excerpts from what you will soon find at Ryan McLaughlin.us. It is a refreshing change from most “Friend Finder” type sites:
BAG A CANUCK!
Have you dreamed of making love to a Canadian Guy, Aye?
Stop DREAMING and make that fantasy come true!
How to Bag a Canuck” is a 75 page e-book that tells you everything you need to find, attract and seduce a wild bacon bender from the 51st state:
- Where to find enchanting and eligible guys in wool caps in your neighborhood The names of the top ten cities in Canada and China where you are liable to meet dudes with snowshoes, eh?
- How to convince one, without illegal substances, in any country to become your personal Mountie!
- How to dress down to impress
- How to earn his admiration without looking like you are trying too hard and without having to sleep with his friends
- How to get to know him as well as the back of your snowmobile BEFORE you even think of asking him out
- How to write and compose the perfect online dating profile or letter so that he starts chasing you and not the moose in his garden
- What gifts to give him right down to the kinds of cheese and macaroni he would appreciate most
- What you need to know about her culture so that she not only accepts you as a lover but grows to share his sausages
- The Do’s and Don’ts of interracial dating and most…like not fighting over the last bag of pork rinds
- How to talk about the Canadian (ha) Military:
It doesn’t matter if the caribou lover you are longing for is a twenty year old “dog sledder” from Montreal or a 45-year-old six-time divorced business expat from mainland China. Our step-by-step guide for a first date works every time on every Canuck for every culture (and it is not the type of advice you will find in any other book!) Other books will simply give you a long list of suggestions for “creative” ideas for dates. We will tell you why the first date is no time to use your imagination! We will take you step-by-step through the entire First Date Ritual from shaving your nose hairs to how to bait a salmon rig.
In fact, this book asks you to forget everything you think you know about impressing a guy with ear flaps. We ask you to forget your creativity (which just looks like blundering around to a Canuck) and all of your preconceptions (which just looks like racism) by revealing:
- The one most important quality that Canadian guys revere in a partner: body heat
- The all-time worst thing you can do to turn him off in your initial email or communication: insult his dog
- The one physical gesture that will inspire him to have complete confidence in you: OK, now stand back up….
- Why your sense of humor may not seem so charming to him. How to avoid old jokes like What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? Answer: The taste
Nobody understands snow fever better than the author who knows exactly how unbearable unrequited desire can be! The symptoms include anxiety, restlessness, a preoccupation with Nanook, Sgt. Preston and a longing to tussle between the sheets with a guy wearing walrus boots.
HOW TO DATE A NORTHER (Bag a Canuck) shows you how to understand each and every type of ice grinder – from the mildest to wildest and how they have learned to manipulate those stereotypes to drive you crazy with lust!
Although these men seem mysterious and complex, we will tell you the simple secrets (some of them based on ancient wisdom from his culture like how to make wine in a garbage bag) that will tame these proud beasties and have them eating out of your hand—not that its so unusual, but…. Much of it will surprise you! This book gets right into the psychological blubber of how to seduce him including the most important-
- G (Goose) Spot!
- How to honor every single part of his body from beaver pelt to wool socks including his hair, his neck, his eyes, his hairy, bejeweled lips, his breasts, his muzzle loader, his arms, his legs etc. and capture his love, devotion and sexual lack of imagination forever.
Nowhere, not in a bookstore, on the Internet or anywhere in Ontario will you find a book on how to seduce and bag a backwoodsman as thoroughly, safely (like jumpin’nekked over a bear trap) and psychologically intriguing as this one!
Knowing everything about him, from parka to pup tent, is one of the secrets to unleashing the passionate potential that you just know is lurking inside the Canuck that you meet in every day life — that mild-mannered Canadian that you see working as a Oral (he he) English Teacher or that gorgeous guy sleeping on the park bench. Or perhaps you simply catch a glimpse of a photograph online that simply makes you hold your breath (and maybe something else!)
Stop jerking around and get real about taking the steps necessary to find the hoser of your dreams! We will feel confident about saying that because we know that is exactly what you are doing rather than grasping the fact that a future with a real flesh and blood socialist is completely possible. Keep in mind too that this book was written by someone who understands you and why you may be so much at the mercy of these gorgeous creatures that you can’t seem to find the nerve to take those all important first steps towards promoting yourself as the lunker of his dreams!
- Do Canadians seem mysterious to you? Unattainable or even too good for you?
- Do you surf for wildlife anime as a substitute for a real sexual experience?
- Do Canadians constantly blow you right off when you try to approach them?
There is just no reason to go on single when you can learn to tell jokes like this:
Cold enough, aye?:
0 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won’t start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen’s freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying “Cold enough for ya? ”
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup
You will learn the most important Canadian Holidays:
12-> Lawyers Day
11-> Start of Christmas Season Day
10-> False Labour Day
9-> Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
8-> Hallmark Card Day
7-> Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6-> Cretienmas or Gomery Inquiry Day
5-> Deadbeat Father’s Day
4-> Bad Hair Day
3-> Doris Day
2-> St. Hooter’s Day
1-> Hash Wednesday
You will learn the subtle differences in speech that will arouse your mate.
You will hear the intonations that make Black pepper, white pepper and toilette pepper unique.
As someone who loves guys from the territories, women you know that they sexually supreme beings who are just as fierce and erotic as the characters you see in Call of the Wild, Norbet Does saskatecewan Sasketchuan, sacatchyouone, Ontario, the silver screen, Northwest Outpost, and Classics illustrated comic books. ..
This book also teaches you the secrets of coming onto him without appearing like a player or a racist including advice on:
- Common Canuck customs : You won’t actually have to light your farts, but it helps to know the customs…
- How to get him to see you as a movie star like Jeanette McDonald…
- How to win the approval of her family: bring Lablatts and act as though you “get” the commercials when they air…
Stop dreaming and make it a reality.
Download coming soon!
Posted 31 March, 2008 in april fools joke, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, 中国, 中文, China Expat, Ryan Mclaughlin, Asian Dating Site, 中原, Internet Dating, Just Plain Strange, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Weird China, China Photos, Expats, China web 2.0
China SEO Expert…. (3)
I am not at the top of the rankings as a Martian Search Engine (SEO) expert ( I am only 3rd), but I might be after this post! The algorithms that govern what is and is not registered by search engines like Google and Yahoo! are shape-shifters: They catalog combinations from blogs and websites that can mystify, amuse and swindle you. For example, I am #2 in Google for Adult Pampers Makers even though I can’t remember mentioning diapers on this blog. Maybe, I am too old to remember using them and too young to worry about them just yet. I believe, like Robin Williams, that diapers are like politicians and should be changed frequently because they are both full…
But, I digress…
I know about this listing because someone searched for the term, and my analytics program identified from whence they came. There are other authentic one-hit wonders for which I rank highly, though I am clueless about why people searched for them or why I showed up tops. They ALL beg for an aside, but I am resisting, thinking that you can use your imagination: Pocket Fisherman Diagram, Plentiful Breast Pictures, Professor Asshat, China Olympic Professor Blog, Hairy Chinese Women, Wedding dress Market Report in China, I had my hepatitis shot, but the test says I have no immunity, Naked nurse teaching in China, Anais Nin commerative coin, American Prostitute Self, Naked nurse teaching in starbucks china, quota of America to China, You Tube Hong Kong Free Sex Video, How culture affects the way we use utensils, and Cartoon Photos of a man being massaged among hundreds of others…
Some SEO “Experts” list some of the keywords they claim to have earned in Google’s top ten rankings. They claim that these listings attest to their prowess, and they use these words to convince you that they can move your blog, site or company into a position where you will get more hits and gain international fame and fortune. Most of the words are like the ones above.
Far too many so-called expert Chinese SEO firms prey on clients using this strategy. And most businesses, woefully unaware of SEO methods, are bilked out of thousands of dollars every year. The cost for a “hot word,” one with search results in the millions (think “Buddha,” “free buffet,” or “online video game”), is staggering: the top ten in Google is 20,000 RMB a year ($2,500 USD). A “cold word” with low search returns (think “delicious rat recipes” or “Japan learned everything it knows from the Tang dynasty”) will pull 10,000 RMB ($1,250 USD) from your wallet.
So, as an example, “China Expert SEO Consultant,” at 2 million returns, would cost you 20,000 RMB and bring you absolutely no traffic. “China SEO Expert Guangzhou” will get you two hits a day. I’m always suspect of the word “expert” anyway: In bomb school, an expert was laughingly referred to as a “former drip under pressure”–never a good thing in explosives. It was a surefire way to tell someone was not what they purported to be.
I have many great search results I’m proud of, but were someone to actually come to them, I would worry about their mental health or my ego. I am number one for “American professor” in Google, hands down, and I frequently use this in lieu of a business card when I forget one. I am also in the Google China top ten for “American blog” (out of half a billion returns) and number 1 for “handsomest American in China” (move your Canuck ass over, Da Shan!) And in all humility, I found I rank quite high for “China blog about nothing” and “Lonnie isn’t exactly the sharpest guy in the world,” which isn’t exactly what you’d want when you are trying to build up your consultant site that’s already number 1 for “china business consultant blog” in Google, Google China and Yahoo.
If you are really interested in a legitimate search engine marketing provider, drop me a note at via Culture Fish.
FYI: I am doing SEO work or global marketing lectures free for nonprofit groups or companies who agree to donate my normal fee to the China Dreamblogue project.
For a quote or a assessment of an Expert China SEO/SEM project in Guangzhou or elsewhere you may need please fill out the form below at EXPERT SEO SERVICES CHINA
Posted 25 December, 2007 in Internet marketing China, Guangzhou, SEO, SEM, Seo China, Chinese Internet, Hong Kong Stars, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, Censorship, The Internet, Seach engine Optimization, Search Engine Marketing, China Expat, Beijing Olympics, UK SEO EXPERT, china expert seo services guangzhou, China Business Consultant, SEO China Expert, Chinese Media, 中文, American Professor in China, Guangzhou China, 中国, Greater Asia Blogs, Asia, Japan, China Expats, Asian Women, Asian Humor, China SEO, China web 2.0, Humor, China Humor, Intercultural Issues, China Editorials, Just Plain Strange, cartoons, In the news, Top Blogs, Weird China, China Olympics, China Cartoons, China Business, Gratuitous Cheesecake, Uncategorized
Zaijian…. (46)
Books have been virtually replaced by blogs. But, puns aside, many of them showcase the transformative elements Pablo Neruda* suggests as essential to written art in Ars Magnetica:
“From so much loving and journeying, books emerge.
And if they don’t contain kisses or landscapes,
if they don’t contain a woman in every drop,
hunger, desire, anger, roads,
there are no use as a shield or as a bell:
they have no eyes and won’t be able to open them….”
Here I have I have tried to smooth the stubble of memory, share poetry, attempt humor, journal my social conscience, and reconcile my longings while shoutng to you in some far-off room. I leave here absolutely bewildered that anyone, other than my long-suffering friends, ever returned to listen. I am grateful you did.
(more…)
Posted 2 August, 2007 in Entertainment, Guangzhou, Travel in China, New Blogs, The Great Firewall, Guangzhou China, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, Censorship, China Book Reviews, Charity in China, Beijing Olympics, China Law, UK SEO EXPERT, China Business Consultant, American Professor in China, 中文, Chinese Education, Hainan Island, 中国, In the news, Expats, Teaching in China, China Editorials, Intercultural Issues, China Expats, Hong Kong, China Humor, Hong Kong Blogs, China Cartoons, China Business, Confucius Slept Here, Just Plain Strange, Photos, Weird China, China Photos, Cancer Journal, American Poet in China, The Unsinkable Ms Yue, China web 2.0
# 1 Martian SEO Expert…. (6)
I am not at the top of the rankings as a Martian Search Engine Optimization (SEO) expert in the universe, but I might be after this post! The algorithms that govern what is and is not registered by search engines like Google and Yahoo! are shape-shifters: They catalog combinations from blogs and websites that can mystify, amuse and swindle you. For example, I am #1 in Google for Adult Pampers Makers even though I can’t remember mentioning diapers on this blog. I am too old to remember using them and too young to worry about them just yet. I believe, like Robin Williams, that diapers are like politicians and should be changed frequently because they are both full…
But, I digress…
I know about this listing because someone searched for the term, and my analytics program identified from whence they came. There are other authentic one-hit wonders for which I rank highly, though I am clueless about why people searched for them or why I showed up tops. They ALL beg for an aside, but I am resisting, thinking that you can use your imagination: Pocket Fisherman Diagram, Moscow Prostitute, Pig League Facials, Plentiful Breast Pictures, Professor Asshat, China Olympic Athlete Blog, There is the sex that americans admit to, Hairy Chinese Women, Wedding dress Market Report in China, I had my hepatitis shot, but the test says I have no immunity, Naked nurse teaching in China, Anais Nin commerative coin, American Prostitute Self, Naked nurse teaching in starbucks china, quota of America to China, You Tube Hong Kong Free Sex Video, How culture affects the way we use utensils, and Cartoon Photos of a man being massaged among hundreds of others…
Some SEO “Experts” list some of the keywords they claim to have earned in Google’s top ten rankings. They claim that these listings attest to their prowess, and they use these words to convince you that they can move your blog, site or company into a position where you will get more hits and gain international fame and fortune. Most of the words are like the ones above: once in a Martian moon sighting you will get a hit. Some seem remarkably credible like “UK SEO Expert.” He sounds, or can make himself sound, like the marketing go-to guy in England–that is, until you do some research on Submit Express and discover that on any given day there are ZERO searches for that term.
Far too many Chinese SEO firms prey on clients using this strategy. And most businesses, woefully unaware of SEO methods, are bilked out of thousands of dollars every year. The cost for a “hot word,” one with search results in the millions (think “Buddha,” “free buffet,” or “online video game”), is staggering: the top ten in Google is 20,000 RMB a year ($2,500 USD). A “cold word” with low search returns (think “delicious rat recipes” or “Japan learned everything it knows from the Tang dynasty”) will pull 10,000 RMB ($1,250 USD) from your wallet.
So “UK SEO expert,” at 2 million returns, would cost you 20,000 RMB and bring you absolutely no traffic. I’m always suspect of the word expert anyway: in bomb school, an expert was laughingly referred to as a “former drip under pressure”–never a good thing in explosives. It was a surefire way to tell someone was not what they purported to be.
I have many great search results I’m proud of, but were someone to actually come to them, I would worry about their mental health or my ego. I am number one for “American professor” in Google, hands down, and I frequently use this in lieu of a business card when I forget one. I am also in the Google China top ten for “American blog” (out of half a billion returns) and number 1 for “handsomest American in China” (move your Canuck ass over, Da Shan!) and ridiculously #1 for America’s Best Blog. In all humility, I found I rank quite high for “China blog about nothing” and “Lonnie isn’t exactly the sharpest guy in the world,” which isn’t exactly what you’d want when you are trying to build up your China business consultant site that’s already number 1 for “china business consultant blog” in Google, Google China and Yahoo.
If you are really interested in a legitimate search engine marketing provider, drop me a note and I’ll turn you on to the likes of Fili, Ryan, CWM, or someone else who will be able to get their hands out of your Paypal pockets at some point. And if you’re considering marketing to Martians anytime soon, you know where to look…
FYI: I am doing SEO work or global marketing lectures free for nonprofit groups or companies who agree to donate my normal fee to the China Dreamblogue project.
By the way, with this many links in a post, doesn’t it look like Dan Harris wrote it?
Posted 25 July, 2007 in Seo China, Internet marketing China, Guangzhou, SEO, Chinese Internet, The Internet, Guangzhou China, Hong Kong Stars, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, Censorship, SEM, Seach engine Optimization, China Business Consultant, China Expat, Beijing Olympics, UK SEO EXPERT, SEO China Expert, American Professor in China, Search Engine Marketing, Chinese Media, 中文, 中国, Top Blogs, Asian Women, Greater Asia Blogs, Asia, Japan, Asian Humor, China Humor, China SEO, China web 2.0, Humor, China Expats, Intercultural Issues, Weird China, Just Plain Strange, cartoons, In the news, China Olympics, Gratuitous Cheesecake, China Editorials, China Cartoons, China Business, Uncategorized
SEO CHINA Part XXXI: Matt Cutts on Chinese Food, Adwords and Mom (0)
Matt Cutts works for Google and has a blog about how to court their search engine; so, when Matt flaps his blog wings in America there is a tsunami on the far side of the Internet.
This is a spoof on his recent interview on SEO in China….
Matt recently finished an interview with Zac on China SEO and Google that was started in September of 2006. Actually it was done much sooner, but got caught in Zac’s gmail spam filter, but I digress….
I have, via the magic of the Internet, figured out Matt’s answer algorithm and inserted myself and Matt’s probable answers into the interview:
Zac: First of all thank you for doing this interview with me, I believe it will be very helpful for SEOers and web marketers in China.
There are currently lots of misunderstandings about SEO in China. The first thing that pops up in mind is “spam” when people hear the word SEO. Some say “SEO is shortsighted and is like suicide”. From search engine’s point of view, is that true? Is SEO hated, allowed or encouraged by Google? We’re talking about whitehat SEO here.
Matt: I hate pop-ups. Google consides it spam. It’s a common mistake to think that search engines don’t like SEO. The fact is that SEO within Google’s quality guidelines is okay. It is even better if you follow party policy. That includes things like making sure that your site is crawlable, thinking of words that users would use when searching and including them naturally within the content of the site, and doing things like making sure that page titles and urls are descriptive except for stupid things like democracy .
What Google (and other search engines) don’t like is when someone tries to cheat or take a short cut to show up higher than they should. When a site violates our quality guidelines, Google calls that spam. When I do it we call it marketing.
Zac: Google announced its official Chinese name “Gu Ge” (Harvest Song) in April 2006 however the majority of Chinese users do not seem like the new name. It sonically sounds like 哥哥 which means big brother and tian-anmen knows we have had enough of that!
According to China Internet Network Information Center, CNNIC, Google is losing market share from 33% last year to current 25.3%.
http://www.linuxworld.com.au/index.php/id;836499436;fp;2;fpid;1
What do you think of the market share drop?
Matt: Liar Liar pants on fire! What was the question? We spent 190 million on market research and Baiduble 1% of that. Maybe we should outsource to India.
Zac: I noticed there are Chinese employees in Google headquarter. Any idea how many Chinese in Googleplex now? How are they doing? Any advice for Google fans who want to join Google?
Matt: We do have many Chinese engineers at the Googleplex. The ones not under investigation by Homeland Security are doing great.
ZAC: Let’s talk about duplicate content, which is a hot topic recently.Let’s talk about duplicate content, which is a hot topic recently.I see much more content copying on Chinese web sites. Many Chinese webmasters like to “gather” (wink, wink) contents from other web sites, either using software or by hand, then publish on their own web sites. Does Google penalize these sites full of contents you can see everywhere? Is there a percentage or threshold, exceeding which penalty is applied? In other words: just how much can we scam you before we get busted?
What should the original author do so that the original is recognized as so?
Matt: We have noticed that some Chinese web sites have a lot of duplicate content. Users like to get different search results, so Google is looking at how best to provide diverse results. Our algorithms already have some ways of removing duplicate content, and we will continue to look for ways to improve. As of today we have no way to filter out Chinglish modifications of content, so….
The original author should consider imitation the greatest form of flattery–I made that up just now.
Zac: Some web sites use multiple domains with exactly same content , for example, domain.com and domain.com.cn. Is this risky? What’s the best way to do it?
Matt: Use Google adwords. Ad don’t forget that creativity can really help. You could hire some Americans for that. For example, there was a site that made industrial blenders, which sounds like a very boring subject. But now go watch this video at: YouTube and you’ll see something amazing. They threw all kinds of different objects into the blender to prove how powerful their machine was; however, I am easily amused and don’t watch Letterman so I did not catch the duplicate content.
Even things like newsletters, blogs, information about an industry, or other resources can serve as a reason for people to get interested in your site and link to you. Porn sells well.
(more…)
Posted 30 April, 2007 in Chinese Internet, The Internet, The Sharpest Guy on the Planet, 中国, Seo China, Internet marketing China, Chinese Media, Search Engine Marketing, SEM, SEO, In the news, cartoons, Asian Humor, China Humor, Humor, China web 2.0, Intercultural Issues, China Editorials, Personal Notes, China Business, China Cartoons, China SEO
China Blogroll Diving… (2)
Occasionally I go blogroll diving. It is akin to dumpster diving, but instead of selling my treasures on Ebay I get paid through a good laugh, some new insight or a a fresh post to share. And I come out of the whole blog experience smelling a lot better….
This will be part of an ongoing series featuring little known websites and blogs based in, or writing about, China that deserve a look. There is some wonderfully creative stuff going on out there/in here….
It’s a podcast from a Cleaveland Ohio expat. Be sure to watch “No size fits all” where he spends the day hunting for clothes here in OZ….
Second on the list is a humor site that often posts Chinglish sightings and occasionally other China nonsense. From hairlarious.wordpress.com:
1. In a Beijing hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.”
2. In a Shanghai hotel elevator:
“Please leave your values at the front desk.”
3. In a Hangzhou hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid;
4. In a Jilin hotel:
“You are very invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5. In a Wuxi dry cleaner:
Please drop your trousers here for best results.”
6. Outside a Tianjin clothing shop:
Order your summer suits quick. Because of big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.”
7. In a Xian tailor shop:
“Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”
8. In a Guilin hotel:
“Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”
9. An ad by Kunming dentist:
“Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.”
10. In a Hangzhou zoo:
“Please do not feed animals. If you have suitable food give it to the guard on duty.”
11. In a Taiyuan bar:
“Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”
12. In a Huashan temple:
“It is forbidden to enter a woman. Even a foreigner if dressed as a man.”
Also seen on hilarious:
[youtube]H-tPjt3eFnA[/youtube]
Enjoy!
For a great non-China related site head over to the very funny Internet Class clown Cap’n Platy, the sharpest guy on the planet, at Platypus Society